Because that is what I am going to do...

The past few weeks have found me digging in to heavy levels of training again and slowly re-entering some more quality work (400's, mile repeats, tempos).  As I get deeper into training and out of building my base, the reality of an encroaching timeline and my dream are starting to meet head on. It's a little different this time though, in all honesty I feel like most of the pressure is "off" - and after working so hard after the injury to just get back, there is this just insane sense of happiness running through me :)

Insane happiness even after 12 miles of hell in 118 degree heat :)

As I get my legs back under me, seeing the physical progress has helped give me a confidence boost; but also really knocked home the realization of my biggest struggle - the mental piece.  I think I tend, and always have given off an aura of "I got it - under control" - but to be honest as the saying goes, lots of times I fake it until I make it :)-  But the truth is just that like 95% of population I have the same insecurities and swirl as everyone else, and unfortunately it is strongest with the thing I love the most.  I think perhaps that's because dreams are fueled by the heart and the mind gets jealous when the heart gets to run the show.

Anyways I decided  - like anything else in life I have ever struggled with - to do everything I possibly can to address it.  So I decided who better to talk to then my very own teammates who have been highly successful.  And while on a run with one teammate, she basically told me you have the physical talent, it's your head.  You have to tell yourself what you are going to do, and then go do it.

And that is what I have been thinking about non stop for a few weeks.   Grinding comes "easy" for me - I burned the candle at both ends in High school and college (like so many do), I've worked the 80 hour weeks, I've finished races while literally seeing stars :)-, I've started races at WAY too fast a pace and hung on.  I have grinded through injury, through tough times in life, through transition - -  I know how to do that.  But Grinding is very different from saying "....because that is what I am going to do".  For example last weekend Justin and I had the honor to be the the Godparents of Baby Evelyn at her baptism (total sidebar....pictures below!!!) and that morning I had 16 with 4 X 1 repeats in it - well with the baptism at 9am, that called for a rather early wakeup call.  Dragging myself out of bed, getting ready to run, and getting out the door, and getting the 16 miles in  - was grinding. It is not a a skill, some have more then others, but it's a mentality.  On the other hand before I took my first step I said - I am going to run these 16 miles, and then I am going to do 4 mile repeats at 6:30 pace.  And so I did.  That is believing.  Truly believing you got it.  Prior to that crucible moment, I would have thought of every reason why I should just run 16, and not worry about the repeats, why I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't do it.  Not any more.  Just getting through it isn't going to get me to the trials.  But believing in myself  to do what I need to do is.

Post Baptism with Mom and Connor!

The God parents with the real parents (See I wear non running clothes too :)-

 Now, I fundamentally believe there are times in life when you have to grind - you have to dig deep and as they say "when you are walking through hell, just keep walking!" - - could be injury, could be starting a new role/job, could be having little kids and craziness of life, could be cancer, could be any battle you face internally - - and you have to dig deep and get through that.  But...as one of my favorite yoga teachers always say - love your way through life, don't struggle your way through life.

One of my all time favs yoga teachers - learned so much from here in a year - such a gift....

Grinding is struggling.  Saying you are going to do something because that is what you are going to do is loving.   I just discovered that.  I love running, I love training, I love chasing this dream.  I can grind through the tough moments of early morning wake up calls, or certain workouts, but from here on out 90% of my training is going to be me doing something because that's what I set out to do .  Because eventually I am going to run 26.2 miles at 6:13 pace, because that is what I am going to do.

xoxoxo
CB