The past 2 weeks have not been any easier to be perfectly honest. Moments of extreme hope, crashed by the reality of another lost week. I learned though that in a lot of ways "hope" is what gets us through. Every night I would go to bed, and think it feels good, I bet in the morning it will be 100%! And then it wouldn't. But then later in the day it would start to feel different, and I would tell myself this is it, its turning for the better! And I have played this game for 1.5 months now :) You could call it stupidity, or call it HOPE. I prefer the later.
Hope ultimately is what keeps us going when we face adversity - - hope of healing, hope of resolution, hope of what the future holds, etc. For an injury, every dr appt, every PT session, every ice bucket gives us something to look forward to and know that after that, it just might be healed. So I can't give up until after that _________(fill in the blank).
There is clear difference though between "hope" and "the grass is always greener on the other side". Hope is real. It's a light that guides you when the chips are down. It IS what makes you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Whereas the "grass" theory is always thinking I can't wait until this role is over, this month ends, that person moves, this race is over, etc. Wishing away the now, for what lies ahead is fraught for disaster. You never appreciate the life you live now. It's funny because sometimes I can see myself grow up; previously when faced with adversity I would do the "grass theory" - I can't wait for 2 months from now because I will be happier - things will just be better. During this injury, it's been quite the opposite - fueled by hope each day - because I am happy NOW, and want to be right where I am at. I want to work through the injury and become stronger, and learn from it, I want these days of this journey - because the journey truly is more important then the destination. And I don't want to wish away any of it. Sure I wish it didn't happen at all, but I am starting to see the lessons embedded in all that we face. And wishing it all away defeats the purpose of the lesson you need to learn - thus you'll get it again :)
So the update, slowly but surely the ankle is getting a lot better. I am running again, albeit slowly and conservatively as we build up. I feel slow and out of shape. And humbled to be back at square one after months of hard work. I had to withdraw from St. Louis and Eugene which was a rough day. And I had to face the reality of the clock as well.
But, HOPE kept me going, we developed a new plan, a new timeline and that is my "light". So I work to win each day for that plan, and cling to the hope it provides me.
Today was the ultimate ray of hope - I prayed for a birthday wish weeks ago that I would be able to run with the team as I saw the day landed on Sunday (Sunday long runs). And I did - and it felt 97% painless. It wasn't fast, it wasn't far, but it was. And from here I can build. It gives me hope about tomorrow, it gives me hope about the new plan, it gives me hope about clinging on to my dream.
|Birthday Wish Run - no better present :)|