Birthday HOPE

I am about to hit the rack on my birthday, which is weird because technically I do not think I was even born yet, it's 9 pm and I think I came late.  But I mean I barely make it up for New Years ... I need to keep my nerd status.  Anyways, another pointless digression...what I meant to say was before I go to bed, I thought I would do a quick update.

The past 2 weeks have not been any easier to be perfectly honest.  Moments of extreme hope, crashed by the reality of another lost week.  I learned though that in a lot of ways "hope" is what gets us through.  Every night I would go to bed, and think it feels good, I bet in the morning it will be 100%!  And then it wouldn't.  But then later in the day it would start to feel different, and I would tell myself this is it, its turning for the better!  And I have played this game for 1.5 months now :)  You could call it stupidity, or call it HOPE.  I prefer the later.

Hope ultimately is what keeps us going when we face adversity - - hope of healing, hope of resolution, hope of what the future holds, etc.  For an injury, every dr appt, every PT session, every ice bucket gives us something to look forward to and know that after that, it just might be healed. So I can't give up until after that _________(fill in the blank).

 There is clear difference though between "hope" and "the grass is always greener on the other side".  Hope is real.  It's a light that guides you when the chips are down.  It IS what makes you keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Whereas the "grass" theory is always thinking I can't wait until this role is over, this month ends, that person moves, this race is over, etc.  Wishing away the now, for what lies ahead is fraught for disaster.  You never appreciate the life you live now.  It's funny because sometimes I can see myself grow up; previously when faced with adversity I would do the "grass theory" - I can't wait for 2 months from now because I will be happier - things will just be better.  During this injury, it's been quite the opposite - fueled by hope each day - because I am happy NOW, and want to be right where I am at.  I want to work through the injury and become stronger, and learn from it, I want these days of this journey - because the journey truly is more important then the destination.  And I don't want to wish away any of it.  Sure I wish it didn't happen at all, but I am starting to see the lessons embedded in all that we face.  And wishing it all away defeats the purpose of the lesson you need to learn - thus you'll get it again :)

So the update, slowly but surely the ankle is getting a lot better.  I am running again, albeit slowly and conservatively as we build up.  I feel slow and out of shape. And humbled to be back at square one after months of hard work.    I had to withdraw from St. Louis and Eugene which was a rough day.  And I had to face the reality of the clock as well.

But, HOPE kept me going, we developed a new plan, a new timeline and that is my "light".  So I work to win each day for that plan, and cling to the hope it provides me.

Today was the ultimate ray of hope - I prayed for a birthday wish weeks ago that I would be able to run with the team as I saw the day landed on Sunday (Sunday long runs).  And I did - and it felt 97% painless.  It wasn't fast, it wasn't far, but it was.  And from here I can build.  It gives me hope about tomorrow, it gives me hope about the new plan, it gives me hope about clinging on to my dream.

Birthday Wish Run - no better present :)

Win the Day

This is the phrase I am using throughout this fun rehab.  Last week as I was going out the door to pool run, I NAILED my toe on my bookshelf (I know right? Kick a girl when she is down); and a book fell off the shelf, it was Drew Brees' "Coming Back Stronger".  I have it, never read it.  Figured maybe it was a sign, and started to read it.  Funny how things work, it's all about him coming back from injury.  It literally is the only thing getting me through this.  Any way - his phrase was don't worry about tomorrow (time ticking by, not going to be able to run Eugene:( and focus on doing what you need to do TODAY to get back - WIN THE DAY.
So everyday I am doing everything I can with diet, supplements, PT, conditioning to keep the level of fitness I was at and heal.

Quick Update on Training...

Miles for this week= 0

Monday:
AM: 5 am pool running for 1.5 hours (did 10 X 1:00, 10 X :30, 10 X :15) then did hip prehab routine...went into locker room and lady who laughs at everything was there; no matter what I say. Started to think maybe I actually am funny?  Then I said have a good day and she laughed hysterically.  Dang,  Ok I guess I'm really not, she just laughs at everything.  Back to reality.

PM:  Went to PT before work trip.  Started out swell.  Asked me to warm up on treadmill.  Old CB - would have been half way home thinking what a waste of time.  New CB - calmy..."Um, I am here because I cannot run, sorry :("

Tuesday:
AM:  Mile repeats on elliptical - massive sweat pool; someone at gym told me to buy "arnica" it heals sprains - I stop at CVS and buy 3 bottles.  It doesn't.

PM:  PT, swimming, strength, someone told me Vitamin D Helps everything heal, stopped at CVS bought a bottle, not working yet.

Wednesday:
AM:  Pool running, why isn't this an Olympic sport?

PM:  PT, mini breakdown, Pilates

Thursday:
AM;  Pool Running, great work call, team bet me 3% chance I could sell something in, sold it in, at least I got that going for me :) Sort of fills the competitive void.

PM:  PT, mini breakdown, swimming

Friday:
AM;  tried treadmill, epic fail, flew home next to drunk woman who had 2 bud lights at 7:45 am, massage on ankle/foot

PM:  PT, heard a "pop" thought that was good sign, super positive, tomorrow will be the day!

Saturday:  Not the day! Tried to run, breakdown...drove to pool, 2 hours pool running, hard, as I was pissed.  Yoga.  Someone told me to try KT tape, lets you run on Sprained ankles, stopped at CVS to buy a package.  At this point thinking I should buy stock in CVS.

At this point just trying to stay positive, and know that there is a reason.  There is a plan, I just need to accept it and keep working hard.    I am working hard, not sure I am accepting it yet - why is that SO hard for me?

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSS.......Now on to more positive things!

1st, thank god for friends.  This is an ENTIRE jar of homemade almond butter - - my favorite food used to be peanut butter, this has now been replaced.  MASSIVE cheer up for me, good friends are priceless.

2nd, when I do start to run again, I will look darn cute! Got 2 new packages from Skechers!

3rd, enough about me!  How about a gift for YOU.  I think you have heard me harp about Nuun a lot, and how it saved my running when I was dealing with serious dehydration/fatigue - which basically we all are.  60% of EVERYTHING you drink should include electrolytes - - it's amazing how much better I feel after I replace those suckers.  Anyway, now through March 26th, you can use this code and get 20% off!!   LuckyNuunFriends

Acceptance

Acceptance:   a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest.

I learned a hard lesson these past 3 weeks.  I am not good at "accepting" the cards life deals me, masked through my terrible impatience, it truly is my inability to "accept".
It's hard to come to this reality as it is this exact unwillingness to accept that is the backbone of my inherent  drive that makes me known for being wicked competitive, never giving an inch, performing better then my ability would suggest, and getting things done FAST in a company known as the Titanic.

On the one hand my inability to "accept" has helped me. Top of mind examples...
1)  Physics Class Junior Year, I literally would NOT accept a "D" from Mr. Tilley.  Sure that is what all my test scores earned but hell over high water was I bringing that home and becoming ineligible for basketball.  I remember literally BEGGING him for 3 hours for extra credit to get a "C".  It worked.  Perhaps the greatest sell job of my career.  No hurt to others, and quite frankly Physics is pointless then and now - - knowing when a ball drops compared to when you threw it, is plain ridic.  So here - - my not taking NO for an answer saved me - and possibly my life given I am pretty sure my mom would have thrown me out the window.

2)  Sports/Running/Life in general:  I cannot think of a race, of a team, of a game, of an illness where I gave up.  I REFUSE to accept not being at the top.  Refuse.  And I will not let illness, injury win, in my mind that is unacceptable.  I will not give in to weakness of the body.

On the other hand, this same inability to "accept" has set me back.  Top of mind examples...
1) Finance 301 in College:  I REFUSED to accept buying a financial calculator because I was too cheap.  That was ridiculous to spend money on for something I was going to use in one class.  I could do it in my head.  Until it was the week of finals and I had an F.  I had to ace the exam to pass.   I borrowed one from someone reading this :)  insisting it would work.  I gave in, got an A on the exam, passed.  I would have saved countless hours of FREAKING OUT had I just accepted it's what is needed, it was normal.  It's life. It was $70 CB, $70 frikkin dollars.

2)  Tennis:  This is the only sport I cannot beat Justin in,  I think it is the only time we had a meaningful fight.  I refused to lose.  To the point where I finally won after I made Justin play literally for hours in 100+ degree temps until I won.  And to do so he gave me 1 alley, then 2 alleys, then unlimited faults, then he always had the side with the sun.  But I won.  Looking back, what did I gain from that?  Nothing.  Not a thing.  But probably drove him nuts and ruined his day. Let's just gloss over the fact too  that this was when we just STARTED dating...my god if I was him, I would have run for the fences.

The truth is sometimes I think we spend too much time in life fighting what "is":  whether it be relationships with family, role at work, life situation, or like for me, this time, injury.

I think ultimately that;s what tears are right? Not accepting.  Seems like when you let those suckers out, you move on.  But I selfishly struggle when to accept and when to fight.  On the one hand I will not accept illness, failures, obstacles, but on the other hand I mettle too much in the plans that are meant to be.  And I exhaust myself and others by doing it.

I lived this AGAIN this week.  Past 3 weeks since that stupid rock tripped me (see previous post), I could NOT accept it.  If I had, I would be running right now.  Here is my update on training  this past week.  0

Impressed?

I had worked too hard to stay healthy, I was not going to let some stupid rock sideline me, all that fitness, hell no.  I was racing on the 28th, whatever it took.  So I punished myself with endless rehab, massage, and pool work to get back.  I barely did.  And I raced.  And I bombed.  My ankle had no business racing.  To really compete the body has to be in near perfect condition.  Racing 13 miles on a Grade 2 sprained ankle really was stupid.  Understatement.  But I could not accept ANYTHING less.  So now I get to accept not being able to run at all.  I get to accept this as my track.

To make it worse, this week I still could not accept it.  And so every morning I would wake up and "try" - and then do the walk of shame home,  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I've done the MRIs, the PT, the rehab.  The truth is...it just needs time and I need to accept that.  I am tired of playing "fix it", and ready to play "accept it".

It's not an easy lesson to swallow, especially as the clock is ticking this year :( But there is a plan, and I am going to accept it, and do whatever it takes within "not mettling" reason to get back.

And for the rest of this year my word in all aspects of my  life is going to be "ACCEPT"....let life live itself and don't mettle with it.

I'll be writing more this week, the pool is actually quite humorous with a whole new cast of characters...the old ladies doing water fitness, the teenage lifeguard drama, and the marine who is an IronMan and tells me everyday I'll be running again in no time :)

Until then, I will be accepting it :)