When I started this blog about a year ago now, I was excited and confident in the year ahead of achieving my 4 year singular goal of qualifying for the Olympic Trials. Had only I known what lie ahead....I most definitely would not have decided to share it so publicly in a blog. I tend to be a more private person by nature, and this was humbling.
Here is a quick overview of my 2015:
- January - GAME ON, big 1/2 PR, on track, building mileage and strength - very excited!
- February - Sprained Ankle on Trail Run, no problem, not a break, just a sprain I'll be back.
- March - DNS LA Marathon (Qualifier #1) - that's ok, I'll get 2 more chances!
- April - Spinning wheels still not running; learned I did not sprain ankle, I tore BOTH ligaments on inside and outside of ankle.
- May - DNS Eugene Marathon (Qualifier #2) - no big deal, I only need one shot, I will get it in Chicago
- June - Just starting to run! Not enough time for Chicago, so no problem, CIM it is!
- July/August - AMAZING RUNNING - 2 races, 2 PRs, feeling GREAT! Ankle is strong! Its going to happen!
- September - Pulled Hip Flexor from compensating on ankle for so many months - DNS Chicago 1/2
- October - Pulled Hamstring/Glute from same ankle injury - DNS Chicago Full
- November - Tore top of achilles/soleus doing rehab for ankle.
- December - DNS CIM
I think the hardest part was swallowing the fact that I would not even get a shot at something I had dreamed, worked, and dedicated my life to for 4 years. Not even a shot? I went from shock, to anger, to depression, to finally acceptance.
So the ironic part of all this is the name of the blog - Where the Sidewalk ends....You choose where to go next. And that is exactly what I have been doing the past 2 months. I pretty much vanished from social media, I just needed a break - from everything. I threw myself into work big time, and just focused on rehab, swimming (just in case a miracle happened and I could run at RNR AZ), and thinking. A lot of thinking.
This morning I got up before work at 5 am and rode my bike in the pitch dark, in pouring rain (yes it has trained 5 days in a row in AZ), to go swim 1.5 miles, and then rode back soaking wet in pouring rain. I was so cold by the time I got home my whole body was purple. I don't think I stopped shivering until 3 pm. Later as I sat at my desk eating breakfast, shivering, and scrolling through email tears started rolling down my face. Why do I do this? It doesn't matter anymore, you blew it. Hang it up. Go be normal.
And that is when I realized why. Because it means so much to me, so much that not even my biggest supporters understand. I have to chase this because of what it means to me, who I am doing it for, why I want it. I know even those closest to me think I am crazy, but I am sorry :( It is who I am, it is my mission in life, the journey is my life. There is probably one person who truly believes in me, sincerely because he always shoots straight with me, Adam. When I finally had to admit it - that it was over - there were 2 people whom I literally heard their heart drop on the phone. My mom (which was heartbreaking in itself) and Adam. He ended the call with - no doubt you will be qualified in 4 years. And so I will qualify for the O trials, I will do it.
And so down? Yes. Out? No.
I am excited for what 2016 holds. I plan to be running, and with confidence by next Friday, I am almost there, but just taking the extra time because there is no rush. We have 3 very specific goals for 2016. And then we will build from there. I have an amazing supportive team to accomplish great things with, I have an exciting year ahead in a job I love with people I love, and I get to marry my best friend in June.
So I guess the sidewalk not only ended, the concrete pretty much sunk in - - but I am stepping over it (carefully so I don't sprain my ankle), and going to run through the field instead. It still gets you to the O Trials, just a little different path....
|This is the field, after the sidewalk ends....you can see the starting line if you look way out there...it's there ;)|
|And for good measure...Our Christmas Picture this year, lol! Note my once a year red pants :)|