As I sit Saturday morning at Starbucks in a rare moment of peace, my mind as clear as it has been in months after running and eating, I thought the time is right for an update, selfishly, for me. When I started this blog it was to chronicle the chase behind my dream, a requirement for sponsors. When I write now, it's my release, a requirement for me. Especially now. I can't talk. But, I can write. And it has nothing to do with the chase. Nothing to do with my dream. Nothing to do with running at all.
There are struggles in life. We all go through them. Illness, Injuries, Death...In fact I have had those all in the past 24 months 😔 The thing about struggles though is, at least for me, you can fight through them. The definition of struggle, a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack, says it all....your role in struggle is to a) fight b) accept or c) be resilient. I am a fighter. I fight.
Then there are moments in life that literally take your breath away. These aren't struggles. These are moments that flat out knock you on your ass. There is no chance to fight, to accept, or to be resilient. They don't last as long as the struggle that may follow. But the impact is... well...breath taking.
Over a month ago now Justin was crossing the street in a large intersection at lunch, doing what Justin does...walking everywhere. He had the walk signal. He was hit. And then run over.
When I arrived at the ICU the Trauma Surgeon told me Justin should not be alive. That moment took my breath away. I felt my heart stop. I heard the blood drip in my head. I felt my knees buckle.
There are a few things I want to write, and I will, but I know for right now everyone just wants an update.
I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone without the question being, How is Justin? This is easy for me. I stick to the science and data: this is broken, this is sprained, this is torn, this had surgery, this needs surgery. However, I am limited in what I can say (in writing) at this point. For obvious reasons. But, also because there was an unbelievable amount of edema and just now are we starting to get clarity on some things, and others we still have to wait for the swelling to go down.
Then for those close to me, the next question is, How are you? This is easy for me too. Especially, as I think people see the wear in my eyes or voice and don't press. So simple answers work. Dandy. One step at a time. Pretty Good actually. We got this. Change the subject.
But one question no one asks. And Thank God. Is about "us". When I started this blog my promise was to be authentic. In writing I can be honest. Maybe not thorough 😉, but honest. So, I will tell you it's hard right now. After Justin is set up at night with tons of pillows and padding and pills so he can sleep, I think through everything for the morning, get everything ready, and then go upstairs to sleep. Not intentionally, but as soon as I close my eyes, the tears just roll down my cheeks. I never thought in a million years I would say this, but I'm lonely. I talk to people all day long for work, for training/PT, for this whole situation, etc...but those relationships aren't 'us'. I miss 'us' and everything that went with it.
I believe there are better times ahead. And when the dust settles, I hope Justin knows he's the only person, the only thing, that could take my breath away.
There's a lot of awesome to this story too...and I want to write about that, some unbelievable stories. There's also a lot of gratefulness too....and I want to write about that as well. But, when you don't know where to start, sometimes the best thing to do, is just start.
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| I don't really have any pictures to add to this post...and if I don't put one it will put some ridiculous logo...so when I pulled up my phone and flipped through I found this. This was seconds after he proposed to me at the NYC marathon. The theme of our wedding was the race of our life...we're in that part of the race called the pain cave now...that rough patch where you have to dig deep, where you question why you are doing this, where you are about to break...but in those same miles....you're made, you grow, and you're changed forever. And we're not bailing for the med tent now. 💗 |
