...I love beginnings, and I love endings...it's just the in between I struggle with 😩
Most know by now, Boston isn't happening. And, it's not news, in fact it's really old. Thus, I could sit here, with that in the rear-view mirror look and tell you →it was meant to be! There are better things ahead! I am so grateful it worked out that way! ....or I could be honest. It hurt. It still hurts. And not so much because of the DNS - hell the past year I set a record of those! But more because, there are only so many times you can get kicked in the teeth. You know it stings when you are healthy, when you are feeling great, when you see the light, and it still aches.
I want to know the ending. And I don't. I want to know all the hard work, the focus, the dedication...pays off. I want to know it's worth it. That I am not wasting my sponsors, my family, my friends, my coach's, my company's time by supporting me. I am stuck "in the in between", and feeling lost.
I love that I often define myself by one single subjective thing. My dream.
I hate that I often define myself by one single subjective thing. My dream.
When it's going well, I feel like I float through the world. Since chasing my goal of qualifying I have built a life revolving around running. My lifestyle, my schedule, my friends, my 'side' hobbies all are made up of and surrounded by the sport. It's an empowering community, and it's home to me. It's addicting (the people, the endorphins, the chase)...and it quickly can become all you care about. And I feel guilty about that.
|Sharing running with E. Sr has been one of the greatest experiences of chasing my dream.|
|Your tribe is your vibe, no one understands all the quirks of a runner better than another runner|
But comparing pains/struggles is not the solution - if it hurts, it hurts. And if it hurts, you can't be 100%. If you cant be 100%, you cant be you. If you cant be you, life becomes...hard.
I had a turning point on a trip to Cincinnati while having dinner with one of my closest friends, fellow runners, confidants, bridesmaids, long lost sister💓 As we sat down, I tried to dodge it, quickly asking about her, and she sniffed right through it, and said, "no we are not doing this, you always do this"😒 And so, I told her: I wasn't doing Boston, but I am healthy now, but I am not training, but I don't know why, I don't have a plan, I don't know if I have a coach? Have I just wasted a lot of people's time, energy, money? What the hell am I doing?...I feel...well angry, and lost.
And she asked me if she had ever told me the 'popcorn story' - how she had had 2 brutal years with a litany of injuries and one day while making popcorn and burning it she slammed the bag on the counter and blew up. *(No details needed, imagine, it, we've all been there, one little thing is just the last straw). Immediately, I could relate, I hadn't had a popcorn tirade, but I had had a popcorn moment. And she told me she hated that running had become like a person, that controlled her life, that determined her moods, that dictated her happiness. That without it she was fake to everyone else, inside dying. I related - my dream is like a person, doing the exact same thing to me. But then what she said, changed everything for me. That it was okay. That having a passion that deep, having something that drives you so much...is living. That my dream was a big part of who I am, it's my lifestyle, it's my community, it's my breath. Of course it is affecting you this much, and of course that is okay, that is life. If not this dream, than another passion would have the same effect.
It's living a fully lived life.On the flight home, it's all I could think about. In a way we all have that one thing that we really really live for. And it changes with the ebs and flows of life, but usually is not a 'fad'. It's important to us, for deep reasons. The thing could be 'superficial' but what's behind it is not. Growing up my dad's mood was based on the Cubs winning or losing - for real. But, as I got older I understood the Cubs represented so much more than a team (it was his dad, it was his baseball dreams growing up, it was his community).....for my mom, her mood is hands down our family's health & well-being. When anyone is hurting, sick, injured, struggling in any way - she is CRUSTY. Family means THAT much to her, being together, talking about being together lights her up. For other's it's their career, their goal, their health, etc.
And one could argue that it's unhealthy to be so into "it" - - but I guess where I landed is that perhaps if "it" is all you have. But most of the time we all have A LOT more, we just have a big place in our heart for "it"....for example, I am blessed I have A LOT more to me outside of my dream....I have a very tight family, my best friend as my husband, I have an awesome, fulfilling career, I have friends outside running (yoga buddies, golf buddies, yoga buddies who are golf buddies😤), coaching, my faith, hobbies (now those tend to be fad based!), etc. So is there a lot more to me than my dream? Of course, and I get that, but my heart....right now....is dominated by my dream.
|The other part of me, Golf Buddy? Sort of...we both are brutal, but it's fun as hell to pretend!|
|Yes this is happening, I am taking tennis lessons so I can beat Justin (*this is currently the only thing I cannot beat him at)|
|I have other passions....everyone on Instagram is pretty much over my obession with Acai (it's world renown) 💃|
So where from here? I've decided I am going to give it one last push, I realize I'm coming down to the wire. I have less than 2 years. And I still really want it (obviously). I am going to give it everything I have, leave nothing on the table, knowing that if I come up short, it was worth it. It enabled me to live a fully lived life - in my way. And if I get it, it was worth it. It enabled me to live a fully lived life - in my way. It's a win - win. So I guess I don't need to know the ending. Because either way, I like it. Which means I can start to find joy instead of anxiety in the "in between". I will always run, that's not in question😊 but not with the intensity and focus required to achieve what I want to achieve. There are other things I want to be, other things I want to chase, other beginnings and endings to live "in between".
But now I am 100% content and back to training, getting closer to racing, getting closer to thinking about the big ones, chasing down my dream one mile at a time, in the only way I know how, all in 💓