It was supposed to be a HUGE PR.
It was supposed to feel great on Michigan Ave, and maybe even have a miracle mile where dreams come true.
It was supposed to be an epic race as it was inspired by and for Justin & Jodi.
It was supposed to be a huge thank you to Adam & Kara for all they have done for me.
It was not supposed to end in 2:58.
It was not supposed to be a 26 mile grind without ONE mile at marathon pace 😐
And while we now know why*, it doesn't matter right now. My biggest fear came true: having the most fulfilling training cycle I have ever had, yet have the most unfulfilling race I have ever had.
Which left me feeling, well... numb.
The problem with feeling numb is that it actually feels worse than having a specific emotion. You're not 'happy', you're not 'sad', you're just numb, and it's hard to know what to do with that. Not that I am the world's best talker😏, but at least if I was happy or pissed or sad I could try and get it out.
I've never been one to not plan my next step, but numbness kinda locks you up, and I guess that's why we have each other in life. To have them feel for you, when you can't. I was lucky enough to have someone do just that...literally sit me down, say they had done some research and there were opportunities left, and thought I would be good for January. I should do it.
a) This had not even entered my mind, which says a lot, its me.
b) Doc tends to lean more on the conservative side, so this kinda threw me off**
c) The "one" in January referred to is the Houston Marathon.
My initial response was no response. Numbness will do that to you.
Normally, I would make sure everyone who makes it happen (your standard runner's circle) was "on board" and if they were, only then would I consider it. But, this was different. This was something if I had it in me, that I just needed to do for myself.
After working my tail off for 34 weeks, giving every thing I had, and arguably doing every little thing I could, did I want to sign up for 12 more weeks? Who does that? It's comparable to asking those poor people on the Oregon Trail (remember that game?***) walking across the country, probably starving, almost dying, sweating, freezing, tired as all get out, and finally getting to the West and then saying, okay now do it again. Oh yea, and do it over the holidays to boot. Who does that?
Me.
Ok, so I'm mentally in, but physically was it too much of a risk? My body and me have been through the ringer. Could it take this? Life is a fine balance, for some more than others, I tend to tiptoe very close to the edge in all aspects of life, I've tried to harness that, Justin has for sure "muted" it a bit, but essentially that's taking me from a 10, to 9.5. 😉
What if it's like a tight rope?....it's a risk to walk it if you don't know what's below. But what if you KNOW what's below. And you're okay with "it"? What if "it" is nothing compared to where you've been? Then is it really a risk at all? Nah.
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| This is an old picture, where in reality I am working on my feet at strength, but for purposes of this 'deep' post I am walking a tight rope (albeit the safest one possible 😉) |
So... I decided I am doing something dumb. Maybe "slightly" insane. I am running Houston. You're never really guaranteed tomorrow anyways, and February brings quite a bit of change for us. I just can't end on that piece of the sidewalk. I feel empty. As such, I have been back at it, chipping away, working my way to Houston.
I realize there could have been a much simpler solution. I know, I know...why didn't I just drop at mile 2, and run CIM or Houston full strength? I rightfully have been asked that a dozen times. I think it's a little more complicated than that, but without getting into it, laddering up a bit, it just was never an option for me. Which is the one good thing I learned from Chicago: that sometimes it is not what you do for people to show them you love them, that they inspire you, or to thank them...rather it's how you do it. I don't I have the moxie to ask those people if they know that from me, but I sure hope they do.💗
*Forthcoming blog post
**No matter how many times I tell you the initial idea wasn't mine, you wont believe me lol, so I'll say it once and leave it at that
***I dominated that game in grade school, I remember you had to play math blaster first and reach a certain level before you could play Oregon Trail, and I totally lied to just cut to the chase. I actually I might have been the first to arrive in Oregon. Just saying.
