Torn ACLs and Grandma's; not together.

How's that for a headline?
About 3 weeks ago I was cleaning up email at Starbucks one Saturday afternoon while Justin was playing in a tennis tournament.  I received that call that puts a crack in anyone's heart...that panicked, in pain, hurt call..."I think it's my ACL".  And long story short after the usual clown show that is our healthcare system; he tore his ACL and medial and lateral meniscus.  Immediate surgery.  Within a few days we were up at the crack of dawn, and not to run, but for 5:45 AM surgery. I had perfectly planned out the day (because naturally if that was a career I would be people's day planners🙋).  I would drop him off, go running, and then work from a Starbucks near there for a few hours, pick him up, and back to life as normal.  Yea. No. I do not think either of us knew what we were getting in to.
After,  I left the prep room, I had to sign a bunch of paperwork, one document which stated there was a possibility he could die 😕Now, I hate being dramatic, the chances of that were .0000001%, if that; but it shook me. My hand was shaking so much while signing, the nurse hugged me. (*very embarrassing)  To boot as I walked out the double doors the nurse came running  and said, "You'll want this!" and handed me his ring  😲.
How fast life changes. 2 years ago at this time I went from yes, I want to get married, feels right, logical next step➯to now having the thought of what if? Life without Justin, just wouldn't even be worth living.
There's a protocol for these breakdown situations🠞 Phone Mom.   I cried, and part of me was waiting for her to tell me to pull it together like when I was little and a hot mess over things; but instead I felt her virtual hug.💗  Roughly, 5 hours later and a phone call that there was a change of plans during surgery, I went to see him.  The nurses helped me get him in the car; and as they did I thought..🤔 well how will I get him in the house?  However, they assured me he had crutches.  Well, let me tell you those suckers only work if you have all your faculties functioning.  So, cutting to the chase...buckets of sweat later, a random strong neighbor, 6 trips to Walgreens, 3 to CVS, 1 all out breakdown at Walgreens, more throw-up than I ever wanted to clean up, multiple nurse calls for help, we hit a functioning level where I could go upstairs and scream into a pillow.

Every Sunday Justin has been crew support for so many, water, crossing guards, shirts, you name it.  So in honor of him, the Sunday after his surgery we made "J's" (*which did not go down without several minutes of arguing which way the "J" should go).

We were a team before; but now so even more 💗

Transitioning to Grandma's➯ a week later the plan was to run the 1/2 Marathon in Minnesota.  I was excited, because I knew after my race in May, with any sort of decent weather, I was ready to go sub 1:25 (nothing impressive, but a mental barrier I needed to click off).  I was feeling great, and stronger than I have in a long time.  However, now there was no way. For one, I was not leaving Justin by himself, he could barely function, and two I was exhausted.    I had managed to train through this quite well - my long run and workout for the week had been spot on; but I was starting to feel dead tired.   I hadn't discussed this with Adam, but life happens, and I assumed he'd understand.  I mean at this point I've thrown way worse at him, and he has always understood😉  I called Delta, and this could be another blog all in itself - but of course he had to be on the phone to cancel (* I guarantee you if it was the other way around he could have cancelled😡).  So, I tiptoed downstairs and woke him up, and said hey, can we talk for a second?  Oh Vey 😵 that went over like a load of bricks.  He would not have it.  At this point, he even insisted on still going. I had a week to use my sales skills.
Fast forward to the day before,  I finally got him to agree to cancel his ticket, and we decided (well, he decided) I would just go.
I don't even remember taking off or landing; the flight attendant said she wasn't sure if I was alive.  Best flight/nap ever.  To Minneapolis.  We then proceeded to fly from Minneapolis to Duluth 3x due to thunderstorms💩  I had to hustle to get my bib, and basically just went to bed.  The original plan had been Justin & I were going to share a hotel room with 2 of our close friends, Dan & Kerry.  I felt a tad guilty that I was the 3rd wheel to their party, but I tried to let them do their thing and not get in the way.  A 4 am wake-up call led to the elite bus being 30 minutes late and lots of Type A runners freaking out.
Which brings me to here💥  None of this➱ the guilt from leaving Justin, the circus clown plane tour to Duluth, nor the bus "situation" really bothered me.  Instead, I found myself in this insane cloud of gratefulness.  To be there. To be racing. To be feeling as strong and healthy as I was.

Easy decision on who these shoes would go to👍

The race recap is straight forward.  It was 47°, freezing* (for me, anything below 70 and my hands turn purple⛄) Adam & I had planned on a conservative 6:25 start, and if all was going well crank it down the last 3 miles. Just get the 1:25.  I looked at my watch after the 1st mile, assured it would say 6:25, and it said 6:15, hmm, okay, felt easy, and basically I ran 6:15's the whole way.  I had 3, what I am calling, "Float" miles⛵ - perhaps my head was stuck in the grateful clouds?  I am not sure, but I ran ~7 miles @ 6:15 then a 6:30, I saw it and was like what are you doing?🙄   and would click of 3-4 6:15's, and then do it again.  I finished strong though, last mile was 6:11.  1:23:37.  Happy?  ABSOLUTELY.  Satisfied?  NO.  I want those 3 miles back, it's only about :45, but close to my PR.    But, no beating myself up, I'll get those!  I think it's getting back to racing, and learning to stay dialed in every mile.   I felt strong at the end, nailed my fueling (*took UCAN bar when I woke up, and sipped UCAN electrolyte drink during the bus drama), and had one of my better pacing efforts.  It was great having Adam there, I think he made it every 2 miles with little cues and words of encouragement that fired me up.    Afterwards, I got to hang with Kerry and see Dan (and a few other friends I knew running) qualify for Boston, which was incredible.  The spirit of running is unexplainable; without training with them everyday I still "get" what it took to achieve their goal.
Afterwards, Adam & I debriefed and talked next steps.

ANY day when I get to hang with my sole sister Kerry, is a GREAT DAY 💗💗💗💗

Having the guy who makes it all happen there was awesome.  I always get asked do you think a coach is needed/worth it?  ABSOLUTELY. For so many reasons.  I know I am a solid ship, but I need a captain to get me to destination I want; otherwise I would probably stop at too many islands along the way, hit 20 icebergs, and probably sink.  No better captain than mine 😊

The return trip was without drama, but with more thought.  Typically, post race I find every way possible to critique.  And don't get me wrong, I really want those 3 "float" miles back; but on the whole, I love where I am at mentally right now - which I think has been my biggest roadblock.  Adam would adamantly say you CANNOT compartmentalize the different aspects of your life, and think what is going on in one area will not effect another area.  Which, after a year of fighting with him on that, ok, fine.  But, I do think I did something at this race I have never done before.  Every time, I started to let my mind swirl, I found myself thinking about what I WAS grateful for.

• My whole routine this week went out the window, not ideal before a race👉I am so grateful I am healthy to make sure we could get through this and take care of him.  I thrive on adrenaline.
• 3 flights to Duluth, crappy for legs, messes up my whole pre race routine👉how cool is it that I met this amazing travel buddy to laugh our way through this, and perhaps even give the legs some extra rest just sitting.

During the travel nightmare I met this awesome travel buddy, Austin, and we had some pretty epic laughs revolving around the famous #ding or lack of #dings waiting to touchdown, or maybe not, go back to Minneapolis

•  Bus 30 minutes late, shoot, whole warm-up routine out the window👉it's really cold outside anyway; this is perfect I will have just enough time to do 2 quick miles and then race!

It's June. I am wearing gloves. Enough said.

I share this because anyone who has been kind enough to follow this journey would recognize, if not be shocked by how far I have come in the mental department.  And, I can't really offer any key nuggets on how I got there but, well, perspective.  

I am excited about this training block, having a ton of fun, pushing really hard, and while I know I have a lot of work to do,  also kind of excited about all the work that has been done!