99.9% of me does not want to write this. 1% of me knows I need to because of the amount of messages I have gotten, and the rather long absence I have had from, well everything. And part of committing to a blog, to this journey, was to be real. Life ain't all unicorns and fairies and certainly since November it has not been.
So where to start, or even do I? I don't think anyone needs more baggage, more problems to read about, and quite frankly I feel guilty throwing up all over you with my drama....so instead I will keep it simple. Here is what I will say, I would not wish the last 6 months on anyone, ever ☹️ It's been crappy, it's been horrible. It's definitely been the most trying 6 months of my life.
This is the point, right where you write something to the extent of "oh but I learned so much from all of this....I am stronger now...everything happens for a reason." Yea, no. In fact I am still not sure, what I think. But for what it's worth, this is where I netted out.
1. Someone or something does not give you struggles or strife to make you stronger, to teach you lessons, or because "you can handle it". I don't believe God is up there saying, oh, she/he is tough, they can handle some serious shit, I'll give this to them. No. Life just happens. Now having said that, do you grow from it. Yes. Does that make it easier? No. Some days it's just about one foot in front of the other. And that is okay. Forward is where it is at. I am reading Ronda Roussey's book (I know an odd choice for me, but I absolutely love autobiographies because I love to see what makes people at the top of their field "tick"); anyways I am going to summarize this a bit so don't quote me, but she talks about not really believing the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy, BUT instead in believing in HOPE, that all the struggles, all the frustrations, all the strife - - in the end, WILL BE WORTH IT. I think that is where I am too, otherwise what's the point. And the "hope", that is what keeps you hanging on, even if by a thread.
2. You never know what people are going through, be gentle and kind. If there is one thing that I think I have developed over the last 6 months it is a keen awareness of other people. Not that its my job or yours to provide psychological support to everyone you run in to; not only a) do I not want to do this, b) 99% of people would say get away and c) the outcome would be very bad 😜 But, I do think we can quietly just be aware of our effect on others. I think I have always been pretty in tune with reading others, but more with those I am close too. Now more then ever I feel like its just as important to be gentle and kind to the person next to you in line at the grocery store as anyone else. You could be the straw that breaks the camel's back, OR the ray of light they needed at that very moment that gets them through the day. Some people have an ability to grind through pain (physical, mental,or emotional) without missing a beat. They can work, train, coach, parent, etc. without anyone knowing - - but the pain they have, the battle they are facing HURTS. They would never tell you, they would never reach out ....but they could use you, even if just your smile that says, "hey I know you have crap going on, stay strong".
3. Never.Ever.Give.Up. Honestly, I don't think I buy the whole "it's part of the journey" thing anymore. I mean if that was true I feel like I have been on an expedition up Mt. Everest. But I do know what I want. And I do know why I want it. So I will keep chasing it. The day I question what I am doing, why I am doing it, then I'll hang it up. Until then I run. Never stop chasing something you can't go a day without thinking about.
From here it's baby steps, I hate to say this is a waste of a year, hopefully I am gaining something from this year, even if just more mental strength. I kind of want to put the rest of this year in my coach's hands and just focus on keeping the big picture in mind, and letting him own the stair steps there. I can climb with the best of them, but sometimes I get lost knowing where to climb. The good news is, we are now climbing versus getting pummeled by snow at the bottom of the mountain👍
I hope to write sooner, with good news, positive progress, and more defined goals/plans. But for now I am in that lost in limbo phase still figuring it out 😎 And I am okay with that (for a little bit)!
Happy. Trails,
CB
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