I learned a hard lesson these past 3 weeks. I am not good at "accepting" the cards life deals me, masked through my terrible impatience, it truly is my inability to "accept".
It's hard to come to this reality as it is this exact unwillingness to accept that is the backbone of my inherent drive that makes me known for being wicked competitive, never giving an inch, performing better then my ability would suggest, and getting things done FAST in a company known as the Titanic.
On the one hand my inability to "accept" has helped me. Top of mind examples...
1) Physics Class Junior Year, I literally would NOT accept a "D" from Mr. Tilley. Sure that is what all my test scores earned but hell over high water was I bringing that home and becoming ineligible for basketball. I remember literally BEGGING him for 3 hours for extra credit to get a "C". It worked. Perhaps the greatest sell job of my career. No hurt to others, and quite frankly Physics is pointless then and now - - knowing when a ball drops compared to when you threw it, is plain ridic. So here - - my not taking NO for an answer saved me - and possibly my life given I am pretty sure my mom would have thrown me out the window.
2) Sports/Running/Life in general: I cannot think of a race, of a team, of a game, of an illness where I gave up. I REFUSE to accept not being at the top. Refuse. And I will not let illness, injury win, in my mind that is unacceptable. I will not give in to weakness of the body.
On the other hand, this same inability to "accept" has set me back. Top of mind examples...
1) Finance 301 in College: I REFUSED to accept buying a financial calculator because I was too cheap. That was ridiculous to spend money on for something I was going to use in one class. I could do it in my head. Until it was the week of finals and I had an F. I had to ace the exam to pass. I borrowed one from someone reading this :) insisting it would work. I gave in, got an A on the exam, passed. I would have saved countless hours of FREAKING OUT had I just accepted it's what is needed, it was normal. It's life. It was $70 CB, $70 frikkin dollars.
2) Tennis: This is the only sport I cannot beat Justin in, I think it is the only time we had a meaningful fight. I refused to lose. To the point where I finally won after I made Justin play literally for hours in 100+ degree temps until I won. And to do so he gave me 1 alley, then 2 alleys, then unlimited faults, then he always had the side with the sun. But I won. Looking back, what did I gain from that? Nothing. Not a thing. But probably drove him nuts and ruined his day. Let's just gloss over the fact too that this was when we just STARTED dating...my god if I was him, I would have run for the fences.
The truth is sometimes I think we spend too much time in life fighting what "is": whether it be relationships with family, role at work, life situation, or like for me, this time, injury.
I think ultimately that;s what tears are right? Not accepting. Seems like when you let those suckers out, you move on. But I selfishly struggle when to accept and when to fight. On the one hand I will not accept illness, failures, obstacles, but on the other hand I mettle too much in the plans that are meant to be. And I exhaust myself and others by doing it.
I lived this AGAIN this week. Past 3 weeks since that stupid rock tripped me (see previous post), I could NOT accept it. If I had, I would be running right now. Here is my update on training this past week. 0
Impressed?
I had worked too hard to stay healthy, I was not going to let some stupid rock sideline me, all that fitness, hell no. I was racing on the 28th, whatever it took. So I punished myself with endless rehab, massage, and pool work to get back. I barely did. And I raced. And I bombed. My ankle had no business racing. To really compete the body has to be in near perfect condition. Racing 13 miles on a Grade 2 sprained ankle really was stupid. Understatement. But I could not accept ANYTHING less. So now I get to accept not being able to run at all. I get to accept this as my track.
To make it worse, this week I still could not accept it. And so every morning I would wake up and "try" - and then do the walk of shame home, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've done the MRIs, the PT, the rehab. The truth is...it just needs time and I need to accept that. I am tired of playing "fix it", and ready to play "accept it".
It's not an easy lesson to swallow, especially as the clock is ticking this year :( But there is a plan, and I am going to accept it, and do whatever it takes within "not mettling" reason to get back.
And for the rest of this year my word in all aspects of my life is going to be "ACCEPT"....let life live itself and don't mettle with it.
I'll be writing more this week, the pool is actually quite humorous with a whole new cast of characters...the old ladies doing water fitness, the teenage lifeguard drama, and the marine who is an IronMan and tells me everyday I'll be running again in no time :)
Until then, I will be accepting it :)
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