"us"

Sometimes when you don't know where to start, the best thing to do is just start.

As I sit Saturday morning at Starbucks in a rare moment of peace, my mind as clear as it has been in months after running and eating, I thought the time is right for an update, selfishly, for me.  When I started this blog it was to chronicle the chase behind my dream, a requirement for sponsors.   When I write now, it's my release, a requirement for me.  Especially now.  I can't talk.  But, I can write. And it has nothing to do with the chase.  Nothing to do with my dream.  Nothing to do with running at all.  

There are struggles in life.  We all go through them.  Illness, Injuries, Death...In fact I have had those all in the past 24 months 😔  The thing about struggles though is, at least for me, you can fight through them.  The definition of struggle, a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack, says it all....your role in struggle is to a) fight b) accept or c) be resilient.  I am a fighter. I fight. 

Then there are moments in life that literally take your breath away.  These aren't struggles.  These are moments that flat out knock you on your ass.  There is no chance to fight, to accept, or to be resilient.  They don't last as long as the struggle that may follow.  But the impact is... well...breath taking.  

Over a month ago now Justin was crossing the street in a large intersection at lunch, doing what Justin does...walking everywhere.  He had the walk signal.  He was hit.  And then run over.

When I arrived at the ICU the Trauma Surgeon told me Justin should not be alive.  That moment took my breath away.  I felt my heart stop.  I heard the blood drip in my head.  I felt my knees buckle.  

There are a few things I want to write, and I will, but I know for right now everyone just wants an update.

I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone without the question being, How is Justin?  This is easy for me.  I stick to the science and data: this is broken, this is sprained, this is torn, this had surgery, this needs surgery.   However, I am limited in what I can say (in writing) at this point.  For obvious reasons. But, also because there was an unbelievable amount of edema and just now are we starting to get clarity on some things, and others we still have to wait for the swelling to go down.    

Then for those close to me, the next question is, How are you?  This is easy for me too.  Especially, as I think people see the wear in my eyes or voice and don't press.  So simple answers work.  Dandy. One step at a time.  Pretty Good actually.  We got this.  Change the subject.  

But one question no one asks.  And Thank God.  Is about "us".  When I started this blog my promise was to be authentic.  In writing I can be honest.  Maybe not thorough 😉, but honest.  So, I will tell you it's  hard right now.  After Justin is set up at night with tons of pillows and padding and pills so he can sleep, I think through everything for the morning, get everything ready, and then go upstairs to sleep.  Not intentionally, but as soon as I close my eyes, the tears just roll down my cheeks.  I never thought in a million years I would say this, but I'm lonely.  I talk to people all day long for work, for training/PT, for this whole situation, etc...but those relationships aren't 'us'.  I miss 'us' and everything that went with it.  

I believe there are better times ahead.  And when the dust settles, I hope Justin knows he's the only person, the only thing, that could take my breath away.

There's a lot of awesome to this story too...and I want to write about that, some unbelievable stories.  There's also a lot of gratefulness too....and I want to write about that as well.  But, when you don't know where to start, sometimes the best thing to do, is just start.

I don't really have any pictures to add to this post...and if I don't put one it will put some ridiculous logo...so when I pulled up my phone and flipped through I found this.  This was seconds after he proposed to me at the NYC marathon.  The theme of our wedding was the race of our life...we're in that part of the race called the pain cave now...that rough patch where you have to dig deep, where you question why you are doing this, where you are about to break...but in those same miles....you're made, you grow, and you're changed forever.  And we're not bailing for the med tent now. 💗

Broken Blinders

I am not a big movie person.  The thought of sitting still for a solid 3 hours at a time, makes me want to just go for a run right now.🙊   Justin, given the choice, would go every night.  So about every 2 months we go.  Last weekend we went to see "Free Solo".

Movie Background:  Alex Honnold is a climber, and his dream/goal is to climb "El Capitan" (a 3000 ft vertical face @ Yosemite) WITHOUT any ropes.  Meaning,  one finger, toe, mental slip and he dies.  Absolutely nuts.

You would be hard-pressed to find a negative review; most people loved it for the insane athletic achievement, the risk seeking/taking, and beauty & awe of the scenery.   I liked it, I guess, for a different reason.  He chases this goal with blinders on.  He has other things in his life:  speaking engagements, a foundation, a serious girlfriend; but if you really pay attention, those things are like bees buzzing in the background.  His every thought, stream of consciousness, decision, action is with "El Capitan" at the center.  If you understand, you can see it in his eyes.   A glossed over view of everything else, a pretending to be there, but in reality his mind, his body is 100% attached to the climb.  I don't love this, I resonate with it.  Don't get me wrong, I am not comparing myself to Alex.  I don't have his comparable talent/skill in running, I haven't achieved my "El Capitan", in fact I am nowhere close, I am not paid to chase my dream.  Yet, I am certain if you MRI'd my brain, wherever the 'drive/determination/perseverance' part is... it would be overdeveloped, over-indexed, off the charts.  Yes, I have other things in my life, that I love, that fulfill me...but there is no mistaking there is one thing that is front and center, that takes over every waking and sleeping moment, that determines my mood, that has guided decisions in every facet of my life...my dream.  I guess, I thought it was passion, and I saw it in other people, passion about their career, sports teams, children, etc.  And I loved that.  But, after seeing Alex's story, I realize it's not.   I have a mind/drive that people think they understand, or perhaps misunderstand for something else.   I have a goal and a drive to achieve, that I  believe no one understands/or honestly misunderstands. Not my coach, not Justin, not my family, not friends.  But this guy, Alex, would.  I saw myself in him.  And not in a good way.  And not in a bad way.  Just in a way that is.

I feel like a few times I have gotten really really fit and closer and injury or illness made me take the chute back to the beginning to start over.

The day before Christmas I was running at 16 miles into an 18 miler,  I was flying, I literally said in my head, why does this feel so easy?  I am in the middle of a 90 mile week, the end of training cycle before the taper, and a hard week at work.  I knew. This was it. I am fit.  1 mile later out of nowhere a sharp pain stabbed me in my foot and in the same fashion, I knew. I was done.

Stress fracture 2nd metatarsal.
I didn't cry, in fact, Justin and I went out to breakfast as normal.  After the past 2 years, this was peanuts. Bone injuries are predictable 4-6 weeks and you are good as new.   It's the timing.  One week before the taper, I was there.I looked back over my log and there was literally no hints or warning signals of anything coming.  After talking to my PT we think it's probably a combination of footwear (I wore Skechers for 4 years and then unsuccessfully was wearing different shoes constantly trying to find a match, I should never have tinkered during a training cycle) and maybe getting a little greedy (my push/ask) post my last 1/2 marathon 2 weeks ago. But being Monday Morning QB is always easy.

This morning Mrs. Cyr passed away.  Anyone who has followed this journey knows that she is just as much part of this, than anyone/thing.  She taught me how to fight.  She showed me what true toughness is.  She gave me perseverance.  She lost a tough, courageous battle with cancer.  She was probably the only person who broke through the blinders, as she was my "why".  So there is no Houston for myself or Mrs. Cyr.

😐

A few months ago now I was at Adam's and he wasn't home so I was talking to Kara about her plans gone 'unplanned'.  And in a rare moment of sharing deep thoughts with someone besides my own head, I remember telling her that perhaps my greatest gift/skill in life, is my ability to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  I have had to do this so many/too many times that I when I reflect on it, I do see, that I have an uncanny ability to pick them all up, put them in a bag, run to an open space and put them back together - yes in a different way then the original puzzle intended - but often better.

But, for the first time in my life, I don't want to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  I want to pick up the pieces and I want to throw them as hard as I can.  

One Last Skechers Spin...

Thanksgiving Day was my last race for Skechers.  It's been an awesome 4 years with them, and while waiting for the gun to go off I was thinking about how many races, how many marathons, and how many key workouts that was in 4 years (and how many shoes that involved)!

Yea...that was a weekend donate project...4 years is a lot of Skechers, I had a hard time letting go because each one has specific memories 🙊

 And naturally, next question... am I bummed?  Not at all, I'm grateful!! 🙏🏻
I loved my time on the Skechers team.  My rep, Cheyne, was incredible, the brand was supportive through thick & thin, and my favorite part was the teammates I met across the country, ensuring running buddies regardless of what city I find myself in! Not to mention the endless support throughout the years for each other during key training cycles and races.

 I am also kind of looking forward to being a 'free bird'....a big requirement for being sponsored (and rightfully so) is social media presence, posting A LOT - which if I am 100% honest was always rather uncomfortable for me; yet conversely, opened me up in ways I would have never imagined.  If you would have asked me 4 years ago if I would have a blog and such an active Instagram account (*relative, active for me!)  - I would have told you no way🙅.  But, in unintended ways this sponsorship pushed me outside my comfort zone to share more about this journey, the day to day, the emotions.
So who knows, maybe now, I will go back into my shell 😜

As for the shoe situation, I am finding myself needing a more supportive option for about 80% of my mileage due to my ankle issues😕; BUT I do love my Skechers racing flats so I probably will keep racing in those.  It's actually been fun to 'tinker' a bit and try new shoes...right now I am alternating between the NB 860's and Adidas Ultra Boost ST for this cycle.  It helps that Bill the Track Angel owns the local running store, and is very knowledgeable about the foot/shoe. 😜

There are 49 more days left in this cycle, for the Houston Marathon, and I am loving every single minute of it.  I find myself more at peace - mentally and physically - then ever before.  I think sometimes once the storm is over you don't really remember how you made it through...and sometimes you're not even sure if the storm is really over....but one thing you do know is that you aren't the same person who entered it...and I guess that's the whole point of the storm.  Well, that and to help others through the storms they're going through.  In my small way that is what Houston is....trying to provide a little light and love to Mrs. Cyr, who is fighting the worst possible storm right now.

So here's to looking forward to crossing that line January 20th for her... #42cyrs.

The Thanksgiving 1/2 Marathon in Atlanta was a really fun tune-up in the thick of training that went quite well, and felt really well.  So building off that...

Compete.

This week I was at strength training and it was just one of those days where I could do nothing right.  Granted, strength training is not my area of expertise, but it just seemed every single lift, I was doing something wrong.  After an hour of constant corrections, Chris said let's end with a game, and handed me a paddle & ball.  And with one line, we started, "you can let the ball bounce once on your side and we play to 15."

I had never played "pickle-ball", didn't know the rules, and just wasn't ready for it.  And just like that, I was down 5-0. 😡 At which point he yelled at me, "Come on CB, COMPETE, you're an athlete aren't you?.. let's go." 

Which fired me up, are you kidding me? {in my head}🠞I know how to compete, I just have never played this game, don't tell me to compete, I'll show you how to frikkin compete....* (I love Chris, just not at that moment, competitiveness tends to bring out the worst in me🙈).

I won.

Now, this was probably intentional, getting me out of my head, and just reminding me to do what I do best, compete.  And it was a reality check for me in general.

I need to not dwell on the difficult year that has been.

I need to not have anxiety about what the future may hold.

I need to be right here, right now, and compete.

So instead of re-hashing what has been, or sharing what it is that I really want....how about instead talking about what is?

I'm in the thick of training, dialed in.

Ran a 10K to kick off the rust. Got the Win.

Running 13.1 on Thanksgiving. In Atlanta. Near family I love.  Full Heart.

Racing 13.1 in December as a final tune up.  Need to be Smart.

Competing in Houston in January for Jane & Jen Cyr.  Cancer have Fear. 🔥

Many people who have followed this journey know that Jane Cyr, a close friend and my personal hero, has been battling cancer like a champ. And now it's back 🙁 She has been a personal inspiration and source of light for me.  As if that cross wasn't enough to bear, her daughter, Jen, also an amazing person, has had to battle the same fight.  Cancer sucks.  There is no way around that.  Houston is my battle cry against it, for Jane, for Jen.  It's my turn to give light back to them.    One on one against something that just doesn't even know who it's messing with.  It's what I do best, compete.

Houston is for you Jane & Jen 💓🏃

Torn ACLs and Grandma's; not together.

How's that for a headline?
About 3 weeks ago I was cleaning up email at Starbucks one Saturday afternoon while Justin was playing in a tennis tournament.  I received that call that puts a crack in anyone's heart...that panicked, in pain, hurt call..."I think it's my ACL".  And long story short after the usual clown show that is our healthcare system; he tore his ACL and medial and lateral meniscus.  Immediate surgery.  Within a few days we were up at the crack of dawn, and not to run, but for 5:45 AM surgery. I had perfectly planned out the day (because naturally if that was a career I would be people's day planners🙋).  I would drop him off, go running, and then work from a Starbucks near there for a few hours, pick him up, and back to life as normal.  Yea. No. I do not think either of us knew what we were getting in to.
After,  I left the prep room, I had to sign a bunch of paperwork, one document which stated there was a possibility he could die 😕Now, I hate being dramatic, the chances of that were .0000001%, if that; but it shook me. My hand was shaking so much while signing, the nurse hugged me. (*very embarrassing)  To boot as I walked out the double doors the nurse came running  and said, "You'll want this!" and handed me his ring  😲.
How fast life changes. 2 years ago at this time I went from yes, I want to get married, feels right, logical next step➯to now having the thought of what if? Life without Justin, just wouldn't even be worth living.
There's a protocol for these breakdown situations🠞 Phone Mom.   I cried, and part of me was waiting for her to tell me to pull it together like when I was little and a hot mess over things; but instead I felt her virtual hug.💗  Roughly, 5 hours later and a phone call that there was a change of plans during surgery, I went to see him.  The nurses helped me get him in the car; and as they did I thought..🤔 well how will I get him in the house?  However, they assured me he had crutches.  Well, let me tell you those suckers only work if you have all your faculties functioning.  So, cutting to the chase...buckets of sweat later, a random strong neighbor, 6 trips to Walgreens, 3 to CVS, 1 all out breakdown at Walgreens, more throw-up than I ever wanted to clean up, multiple nurse calls for help, we hit a functioning level where I could go upstairs and scream into a pillow.

Every Sunday Justin has been crew support for so many, water, crossing guards, shirts, you name it.  So in honor of him, the Sunday after his surgery we made "J's" (*which did not go down without several minutes of arguing which way the "J" should go).

We were a team before; but now so even more 💗

Transitioning to Grandma's➯ a week later the plan was to run the 1/2 Marathon in Minnesota.  I was excited, because I knew after my race in May, with any sort of decent weather, I was ready to go sub 1:25 (nothing impressive, but a mental barrier I needed to click off).  I was feeling great, and stronger than I have in a long time.  However, now there was no way. For one, I was not leaving Justin by himself, he could barely function, and two I was exhausted.    I had managed to train through this quite well - my long run and workout for the week had been spot on; but I was starting to feel dead tired.   I hadn't discussed this with Adam, but life happens, and I assumed he'd understand.  I mean at this point I've thrown way worse at him, and he has always understood😉  I called Delta, and this could be another blog all in itself - but of course he had to be on the phone to cancel (* I guarantee you if it was the other way around he could have cancelled😡).  So, I tiptoed downstairs and woke him up, and said hey, can we talk for a second?  Oh Vey 😵 that went over like a load of bricks.  He would not have it.  At this point, he even insisted on still going. I had a week to use my sales skills.
Fast forward to the day before,  I finally got him to agree to cancel his ticket, and we decided (well, he decided) I would just go.
I don't even remember taking off or landing; the flight attendant said she wasn't sure if I was alive.  Best flight/nap ever.  To Minneapolis.  We then proceeded to fly from Minneapolis to Duluth 3x due to thunderstorms💩  I had to hustle to get my bib, and basically just went to bed.  The original plan had been Justin & I were going to share a hotel room with 2 of our close friends, Dan & Kerry.  I felt a tad guilty that I was the 3rd wheel to their party, but I tried to let them do their thing and not get in the way.  A 4 am wake-up call led to the elite bus being 30 minutes late and lots of Type A runners freaking out.
Which brings me to here💥  None of this➱ the guilt from leaving Justin, the circus clown plane tour to Duluth, nor the bus "situation" really bothered me.  Instead, I found myself in this insane cloud of gratefulness.  To be there. To be racing. To be feeling as strong and healthy as I was.

Easy decision on who these shoes would go to👍

The race recap is straight forward.  It was 47°, freezing* (for me, anything below 70 and my hands turn purple⛄) Adam & I had planned on a conservative 6:25 start, and if all was going well crank it down the last 3 miles. Just get the 1:25.  I looked at my watch after the 1st mile, assured it would say 6:25, and it said 6:15, hmm, okay, felt easy, and basically I ran 6:15's the whole way.  I had 3, what I am calling, "Float" miles⛵ - perhaps my head was stuck in the grateful clouds?  I am not sure, but I ran ~7 miles @ 6:15 then a 6:30, I saw it and was like what are you doing?🙄   and would click of 3-4 6:15's, and then do it again.  I finished strong though, last mile was 6:11.  1:23:37.  Happy?  ABSOLUTELY.  Satisfied?  NO.  I want those 3 miles back, it's only about :45, but close to my PR.    But, no beating myself up, I'll get those!  I think it's getting back to racing, and learning to stay dialed in every mile.   I felt strong at the end, nailed my fueling (*took UCAN bar when I woke up, and sipped UCAN electrolyte drink during the bus drama), and had one of my better pacing efforts.  It was great having Adam there, I think he made it every 2 miles with little cues and words of encouragement that fired me up.    Afterwards, I got to hang with Kerry and see Dan (and a few other friends I knew running) qualify for Boston, which was incredible.  The spirit of running is unexplainable; without training with them everyday I still "get" what it took to achieve their goal.
Afterwards, Adam & I debriefed and talked next steps.

ANY day when I get to hang with my sole sister Kerry, is a GREAT DAY 💗💗💗💗

Having the guy who makes it all happen there was awesome.  I always get asked do you think a coach is needed/worth it?  ABSOLUTELY. For so many reasons.  I know I am a solid ship, but I need a captain to get me to destination I want; otherwise I would probably stop at too many islands along the way, hit 20 icebergs, and probably sink.  No better captain than mine 😊

The return trip was without drama, but with more thought.  Typically, post race I find every way possible to critique.  And don't get me wrong, I really want those 3 "float" miles back; but on the whole, I love where I am at mentally right now - which I think has been my biggest roadblock.  Adam would adamantly say you CANNOT compartmentalize the different aspects of your life, and think what is going on in one area will not effect another area.  Which, after a year of fighting with him on that, ok, fine.  But, I do think I did something at this race I have never done before.  Every time, I started to let my mind swirl, I found myself thinking about what I WAS grateful for.

• My whole routine this week went out the window, not ideal before a race👉I am so grateful I am healthy to make sure we could get through this and take care of him.  I thrive on adrenaline.
• 3 flights to Duluth, crappy for legs, messes up my whole pre race routine👉how cool is it that I met this amazing travel buddy to laugh our way through this, and perhaps even give the legs some extra rest just sitting.

During the travel nightmare I met this awesome travel buddy, Austin, and we had some pretty epic laughs revolving around the famous #ding or lack of #dings waiting to touchdown, or maybe not, go back to Minneapolis

•  Bus 30 minutes late, shoot, whole warm-up routine out the window👉it's really cold outside anyway; this is perfect I will have just enough time to do 2 quick miles and then race!

It's June. I am wearing gloves. Enough said.

I share this because anyone who has been kind enough to follow this journey would recognize, if not be shocked by how far I have come in the mental department.  And, I can't really offer any key nuggets on how I got there but, well, perspective.  

I am excited about this training block, having a ton of fun, pushing really hard, and while I know I have a lot of work to do,  also kind of excited about all the work that has been done!

Report Cards & Racing Recaps

In January, I posted my (3) 'resolutions' for 2018.  Normally, I am not into New Years Resolutions because as a "Type A", very competitive, perfectionist I am pretty much setting and tracking goals on a daily basis ( insert all the razing I have gotten over the years for my infamous timed showers 😂).  However, this year I wanted to be very intentional about focusing against a new mindset  - - so I set specific resolutions; and I actually do reflect on them often and I think* they have helped me quite a bit.  So 6 months in...how am I doing?!
First off, Rediscover Joy👉  (Being 'with' more, laughing more, racing more)

• Grade: A-
• Being 'with' more:  This one has opened my eyes to how important relationships are to me; even as an introvert.  I don't think I ever really realized that.  From family to friends to co-workers to running buddies - - people matter, a lot to me.  I like deep relationships with few and genuine relationships with many; where both sides truly invest.  Whether it was more frequent or more consistent connects, more check-ins, or long over-due re-connects....the past 6 months have been awesome. People can and do fill your heart (*I am not stupid, I know they can do the opposite too, that's why you choose wisely) 💗

Whether it's work buddies...

or hot pizza dates with this guy?

or running week in and week out with the old crew...

or adding new ones to the crew....

...or long overdue reconnects.

• Laughing more:  Absolutely.  I have not laughed so much or so hard, so often in a long time.  120% of this goes to Justin.  While I am often the butt of the jokes or commentary😖 I can also dish it out pretty fast...but I guess more than anything I don't understand how I lived life without him.  We celebrate 2 years in less than a month, and I was the one nervous about marriage; and now I don't know what I would do without it.

From playing sports, to watching sports....only thing with Justin is he (actually along with my coach) don't understand bets, and paying up when you lose.  Maybe it's a male thing.

anything for free stuff 😜

• Racing more:   Well, not so much, Boston didn't happen, and thus all the races leading up to it never happened either.  And that was rough.  But, I am probably the strongest and healthiest I have been in a long time now, and actually just got my first race under my belt last weekend.  I went to Chicago for the Spring Half Marathon with a goal of 1:25 in my head.  It came pretty easily through 7, with my splits dead on 6:23/6:24, without much effort.  At around 7 you hit the lakefront, and the wind had different plans for me.  That was miserable.  I tried to refocus and race not for time, but for place, a true race.  And I ended up 1st in AG, and 6th overall, which for a bigger race, I'll take.  I left, confident in my fitness, and excited that I was on the right path.

The lack of fans in Chicago, tells you how cold, windy it was - that city is usually electric with their fans! Even so, I don't regret it, because it ended with finish line hugs from mom❤

Second, Recovery.

• Grade:  B (solid)
• This is a tough one for me, but owning it, has made me think twice before I do anything.  I'm getting older 👀 but I find myself so much more tired now than I ever have been.  Work, travel, training wipe me, by Wednesday, I cannot wait for my Saturday nap!  I am much more intentional about not working as much at night, being okay just sitting watching movies with Justin, and leaving that load of laundry or unswiffered floor until I have more energy😊 And I think it has actually helped my running, I am not burning it so hard, all the time.  Unfortunately, with work/travel it's hard to really have balance and so be it, I love what I do, and it works for me, and I do my best to manage the ebbs and flos to enable recovery.
• I think I also have found a great thing with my PTs @ Spooner PT.  I see Torrey and Brian once a week for a tune-up and strengthening/stability work.  They are so vested in me and my dream; I sincerely feel like they rebuilt me and genuinely care about getting me there.  I look forward to Monday nights with them.
• I started Cryotherapy ( by recommendation of Brian) - at USCryotherapy; and man has that made a huge difference for me. I could and probably will write a whole blog in it because of the amount of questions I have gotten around it; but for me I really feel like it has decreased the overall level of inflammation in my body, and enabled me to get ahead of negative inflammation and feeling really good.

That'd be me running in -180 degrees!  You have to keep moving so you don't get frost on your eyelids (Or at least I do!)

Third,  Regain my mental Mojo.

• Grade:  B-
• On the one hand I just got off the phone with my coach, Adam, and he said, I quote, "you need to be less cocky"- now granted that was in regards to a bet I had with him, that I won, and just like Justin, he denies it, (*must be a male thing, see above), but still that's swagger 😉
• And in regards to running when I get the prescribed paces, workouts, I don't get the anxiety/fear I used to, in fact, I kind of like the tempo run now!  In the bigger picture, I see that after everything - that I can handle a split/pace.  
• Even after my first race back last week, it didn't go as planned, and I honestly can tell you, it didn't really bother me.  I felt how I wanted to feel through 7 miles, weather I can't control, and I knew, and was confident enough to know, the result was not indicative of my current fitness. Now, am I ready to qualify yet, heck no, but headed in the right direction, yep.
• So, where I lack, is the bigger picture, of truly believing I will and can achieve my dream.  Letting it all play out, trusting the training, believing in the run.  Feeling really far off still.

Sometimes I think I just need to channel E. Jr.  You ask kids if they're good at something and they unabashedly tell you , yes.  When/where do we lose that swagger?  Especially as females...?  I got this👊

So here's to keeping this train rolling one week at a time. I am very excited about SUMMAH and have lots to look forward to!  Happy Memorial Day, feeling extra grateful to all those who served so we can do and have what we do❤

Resilience vs. Resistance

Yep.  I know.  It's been a while.  It's not that I haven't had the time, or haven't had the energy, or haven't had the passion ....I was just waiting to write when I knew what  'the ending' would be.
...I love beginnings, and I love endings...it's just the in between I struggle with 😩
Most know by now, Boston isn't happening.  And, it's not news, in fact it's really old.  Thus, I could sit here, with that in the rear-view mirror look and tell you →it was meant to be!  There are better things ahead!  I am so grateful it worked out that way! ....or I could be honest.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  And not so much because of the DNS - hell the past year I set a record of those!  But more because, there are only so many times you can get kicked in the teeth.  You know it stings when you are healthy, when you are feeling great, when you see the light, and it still aches.
I want to know the ending.  And I don't.  I want to know all the hard work, the focus, the dedication...pays off.  I want to know it's worth it. That I am not wasting my sponsors, my family, my friends, my coach's, my company's time by supporting me.  I am stuck "in the in between", and feeling lost.

I love that I often define myself by one single subjective thing.  My dream.
I hate that I often define myself by one single subjective thing.  My dream.

When it's going well, I feel like I float through the world.  Since chasing my goal of qualifying I have built a life revolving around running.  My lifestyle, my schedule, my friends, my 'side' hobbies all are made up of and surrounded by the sport.  It's an empowering community, and it's home to me.  It's addicting (the people, the endorphins, the chase)...and it quickly can become all you care about.  And I feel guilty about that. 

Sharing running with E. Sr has been one of the greatest experiences of chasing my dream.

Your tribe is your vibe, no one understands all the quirks of a runner better than another runner

 I look around me and see so many people suffering in some way - people I love, a lot...people I barely know who tell me their story...people I have never met, but hear/see their story.  And you realize it could be worse, it could be better, I had that, at least I don't have that, I can relate, I can't imagine, I wish I could help, I feel helpless.
But comparing pains/struggles is not the solution - if it hurts, it hurts.  And if it hurts,  you can't be 100%.  If you cant be 100%, you cant be you.  If you cant be you, life becomes...hard.

I had a turning point on a trip to Cincinnati while having dinner with one of my closest friends, fellow runners, confidants, bridesmaids, long lost sister💓  As we sat down, I tried to dodge it, quickly asking about her, and she sniffed right through it, and said, "no we are not doing this, you always do this"😒  And so, I told her:  I wasn't doing Boston, but I am healthy now,  but I am not training, but I don't know why, I don't have a plan, I don't know if I have a coach? Have I just wasted a lot of people's time, energy, money?  What the hell am I doing?...I feel...well angry, and lost.
And she asked me if she had ever told me the 'popcorn story' -  how she had had 2 brutal years with a litany of injuries and one day while making popcorn and burning it she slammed the bag on the counter and blew up.  *(No details needed, imagine, it, we've all been there, one little thing is just the last straw).  Immediately, I could relate, I hadn't had a popcorn tirade, but I had had a popcorn moment.  And she told me she hated that running had become like a person, that controlled her life, that determined her moods, that dictated her happiness.  That without it she was fake to everyone else, inside dying.  I related - my dream is like a person, doing the exact same thing to me.  But then what she said, changed everything for me.  That it was okay.  That having a passion that deep, having something that drives you so much...is living.  That my dream was a big part of who I am, it's my lifestyle, it's my community, it's my breath.  Of course it is affecting you this much, and of course that is okay, that is life.  If not this dream, than another passion would have the same effect.

It's living a fully lived life.

On the flight home, it's all I could think about.  In a way we all have that one thing that we really really live for.  And it changes with the ebs and flows of life, but usually is not a 'fad'.  It's important to us, for deep reasons.  The thing could be 'superficial' but what's behind it is not.  Growing up my dad's mood was based on the Cubs winning or losing - for real.  But, as I got older I understood the Cubs represented so much more than a team (it was his dad, it was his baseball dreams growing up, it was his community).....for my mom, her mood is hands down our family's health & well-being.  When anyone is hurting, sick, injured, struggling in any way - she is CRUSTY.   Family means THAT much to her, being together, talking about being together lights her up.   For other's it's their career, their goal, their health, etc.
And one could argue that it's unhealthy to be so into "it" - - but I guess where I landed is that perhaps if "it" is all you have.  But most of the time we all have A LOT more, we just have a big place in our heart for "it"....for example, I am blessed I have A LOT more to me outside of my dream....I have a very tight family, my best friend as my husband, I have an awesome, fulfilling career,  I have friends outside running (yoga buddies, golf buddies, yoga buddies who are golf buddies😤), coaching, my faith, hobbies (now those tend to be fad based!), etc.  So is there a lot more to me than my dream?  Of course, and I get that, but my heart....right now....is dominated by my dream.

The other part of me, Golf Buddy?  Sort of...we both are brutal, but it's fun as hell to pretend!

 

Yes this is happening, I am taking tennis lessons so I can beat Justin (*this is currently the only thing I cannot beat him at)

I have other passions....everyone on Instagram is pretty much over my obession with Acai (it's world renown) 💃

 So instead of trying to 'squash' it, instead of feeling guilty, instead of thinking it's unhealthy....I've come to the realization it's about resilience vs. resistance.  It's not refusing the downs, it's surviving them.  And knowing they're coming, and knowing I'll weather the storm.  When you dream BIG, you will feel small, many many times.  There will be failures, doubt, and criticism.  And if we want to be able to navigate through the heartbreaks of a fully lived life, we can't equate the disappointments with not deserving happiness.  Instead, it's accepting the setback, believing you will get through, and then BEING RESILIENT and getting through it.
So where from here?  I've decided I am going to give it one last push, I realize I'm coming down to the wire. I have less than 2 years.  And I still really want it (obviously).  I am going to give it everything I have, leave nothing on the table, knowing that if I come up short, it was worth it.  It enabled me to live a fully lived life - in my way.  And if I get it,  it was worth it.  It enabled me to live a fully lived life - in my way.   It's a win  - win.  So I guess I don't need to know the ending.  Because either way, I like it.  Which means I can start to find joy instead of anxiety in the "in between".  I will always run, that's not in question😊 but not with the intensity and focus required to achieve what I want to achieve.  There are other things I want to be, other things I want to chase, other beginnings and endings to live "in between".
But now I am 100% content and back to training,  getting closer to racing, getting closer to thinking about the big ones, chasing down my dream one mile at a time, in the only way I know how, all in 💓