There is a place where the sidewalk ends.

Justin is almost a year out from the accident and physically he's doing...well amazing!   At least I think so.  He's still in a lot of pain, but to be expected when almost everything on you was broken, bruised, torn, or strained. We decided to see if he could run a 5K on Thanksgiving as a goal to work towards.  And I  "coached" him.  😉

Mostly, it was about time on feet, understanding what was truly pain and what he needed to work through.  But, for his last run I wanted to add a bit of a stim hit, as I figured adrenaline would push him to turn on another gear on race day and I wanted his body to feel that beforehand so it didn't freak out.  Nothing fancy, just a staple from my training - stride schemes - so 3 X (:15/:45 off, :30/:60 off, :45/:90 off).  On the last set with one left I could tell he was tired.  On the very last :45, he finished and put his hands on his knees. (which ironically, I kid you not was at the end of the sidewalk on that street)  I IMMEDIATELY went to oh no, what pain.. Is it your knee?  (which one?  both?), Your back?  Your ribs?  Your hamstring?  In order..."No", "No", "No". ...."My lungs".  I literally felt my heart smile inside.  We made eye contact and I said, "Isn't that the most beautiful pain ever?"  I gave him my bike to ride back, and I said I was going to stretch real quick and jog back.  I'm quite certain he didn't think anything of the whole moment (#dudes)...but after he left I sat on the curb and cried for a good 10 minutes.  I realized that for the 3 years that we have been married that a majority of it has been in uncontrollable pain.  Pain that hurts bad, and you have no control over it.  Just time heals it.  Uncontrollable pain can come from injuries, tragedies, or illness.  It's nothing you did wrong necessarily, but the pain wasn't your choice.  And the healing is not on your timetable.  It tests the strongest of souls.

Controllable Pain hurts so good.  From physical exertion, fighting for a cause that comes to fruition, life changes that you chose (job, kids, moves, etc), working through work drama, chasing a goal....it doesn't mean it's easy, but you chose to take that on and as you fight through it, the pain eventually will cease, come to fruition, settle.  I think that's why I love running so much.  There's nothing quite like choosing that pain voluntarily.  Nothing.  

Previously, I said I'd post once more after Houston, but that moment made me realize what happens at Houston doesn't really matter.  What mattered was getting to that moment where literally the sidewalk ended.  When I started this blog it was about the journey to my dream.  Eventually, Justin joined me on the sidewalk.  And by now, we had all sorts of plans of what we wanted to see, do, and be.  None of it has happened. 
But it truly was the path to that ending piece that mattered.  I got more from that sidewalk as it was laid out then the one I laid out. 
Running, chasing my dream, was a beautiful pain, and one I will take any day.  And be forever grateful for it.  I guess sometimes it takes the other pain, to recognize that.  So Houston, is just for me.  I just want to feel fulfilled.

So, I am wrapping this up here one last time!  After Houston things will be a bit of a blur so it's a good time to do it.   I am having surgery on a lymph node, not a big deal, just need to take care of it. Naturally, I didn't want to add that in here, but it will require a bit of down time from running and so easier to explain it here then just disappear🙈, the legal process for the accident begins (believe it or not, it hasn't started),  and...we're moving.  I was fortunate to receive an awesome opportunity with P&G that I cannot turn down.  I will miss Arizona so much, the people, the memories, and the beauty. 
  

Without being dramatic, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading this, following along, and for all the comments/support.  I can't tell you how much a few words can change your perspective, your mood, your outlook.  I myself have started to keep that in mind as I read posts or blogs.  To just take a moment and give back to them.  It's the virtual way of human connection I guess.  

Anyways...It helped a lot.

So, I think we reached the end of this sidewalk...and we're ready to hop over to the next one and see where that takes us.

💗

CB

This is my favorite picture, and kind of perfect for this last post.  My plan "A" here was to take a picture of one of Arizona's quintessential sunsets.  Without me knowing it,  Justin took this picture behind me, of me taking it.  Turns out plan "B" was way better, and my favorite picture ever - not because I am in it, but because it was a gentle reminder to let life decide the plan, and me, I just need to live it.

Tight Rope

It's been about a month since I ran a race that was supposed to be awesome.
It was supposed to be a HUGE PR.
It was supposed to feel great on Michigan Ave, and maybe even have a miracle mile where dreams come true.
It was supposed to be an epic race as it was inspired by and for Justin & Jodi.
It was supposed to be a huge thank you to Adam & Kara for all they have done for me.
It was not supposed to end in 2:58.
It was not supposed to be a 26 mile grind without ONE mile at marathon pace 😐

And while we now know why*, it doesn't matter right now.  My biggest fear came true:  having the most fulfilling training cycle I have ever had, yet have the most unfulfilling race I have ever had.  
Which left me feeling, well... numb.

The problem with feeling numb is that it actually feels worse than having a specific emotion. You're not 'happy', you're not 'sad', you're just numb, and it's hard to know what to do with that.  Not that I am the world's best talker😏, but at least if I was happy or pissed or sad I could try and get it out. 

I've never been one to not plan my next step, but numbness kinda locks you up, and I guess that's why we have each other in life.  To have them feel for you, when you can't.   I was lucky enough to have someone do just that...literally sit me down, say they had done some research and there were opportunities left,  and thought I would be good for January.  I should do it.
a)  This had not even entered my mind, which says a lot, its me.
b)  Doc tends to lean more on the conservative side, so this kinda threw me off**
c)  The "one" in January referred to is the Houston Marathon.

My initial response was no response.  Numbness will do that to you.
Normally, I would make sure everyone who makes it happen (your standard runner's circle) was "on board" and if they were, only then would I consider it.  But, this was different. This was something if I had it in me, that I just needed to do for myself.
After working my tail off for 34 weeks, giving every thing I had, and arguably doing every little thing I could, did I want to sign up for 12 more weeks?  Who does that?   It's comparable to asking those poor people on the Oregon Trail (remember that game?***) walking across the country, probably starving, almost dying, sweating, freezing, tired as all get out, and finally getting to the West and then saying, okay now do it again.  Oh yea, and do it over the holidays to boot.  Who does that? 
Me.
Ok, so I'm mentally in, but physically was it too much of a risk?  My body and me have been through the ringer.  Could it take this?  Life is a fine balance, for some more than others, I tend to tiptoe very close to the edge in all aspects of life, I've tried to harness that, Justin has for sure "muted" it a bit, but essentially that's taking me from a 10, to 9.5.  😉
What if it's like a tight rope?....it's a risk to walk it if you don't know what's below.  But what if you KNOW what's below.  And you're okay with "it"? What if "it" is nothing compared to where you've been?  Then is it really a risk at all?  Nah.

This is an old picture, where in reality I am working on my feet at strength, but for purposes of this 'deep' post I am walking a tight rope (albeit the safest one possible 😉)

So... I decided I am doing something dumb.  Maybe "slightly" insane.  I am running Houston.  You're never really guaranteed tomorrow anyways, and February brings quite a bit of change for us.  I just can't end on that piece of the sidewalk.  I feel empty. As such,  I have been back at it, chipping away, working my way to Houston.

I realize there could have been a much simpler solution.  I know, I know...why didn't I just drop at mile 2, and run CIM or Houston full strength? I rightfully have been asked that a dozen times.   I think it's a little more complicated than that, but without getting into it, laddering up a bit, it just was never an option for me.   Which is the one good thing I learned from Chicago:  that sometimes it is not what you do for people to show them you love them, that they inspire you, or to thank them...rather it's how you do it.  I don't I have the moxie to ask those people if they know that from me, but I sure hope they do.💗


*Forthcoming blog post 
**No matter how many times I tell you the initial idea wasn't mine, you wont believe me lol, so I'll say it once and leave it at that
***I dominated that game in grade school, I remember you had to play math blaster first and reach a certain level before you could play Oregon Trail, and I totally lied to just cut to the chase. I actually I might have been the first to arrive in Oregon.  Just saying.

Chicago

When I started this blog (Where the Sidewalk ends..), I never thought about ending it.  If I am honest, it started as a requirement for sponsors.  I was and still am introverted, private, and every post, every picture, every entry made me more vulnerable then I am comfortable with.  It was supposed to chronicle my journey of chasing my dream.  It turned into pages of life. 
By now, I think most people who read this (2 or 3? 😏) know I am running Chicago in 4 weeks.   I could be really fake and make up some b.s. that for x and y reasons I am not going to be able to qualify, smooth things over, to protect myself.  But I am real.  That was one thing I promised from the beginning.  Authentic.  Have the past 5 years gone according to plan to make my dream come true?  No.  But you can cry about it, or do what all runners do, put one foot in front of the other.  Which is what I tried my best to do after getting knocked down too many times to count.  I am not going to be stupid.  I am going to do exactly what Adam & Kara tell me me to do at Chicago.   The race, and the finish line are for Jodi and Justin who have inspired me in their comebacks from cancer and a critical accident.  But the last 6 miles.  Are mine.  And if it's any where close.  I am going to leave every single thing left in me on those roads.  Everything.  This might seem selfish, but the race and the finish belong to Justin and Jodi.  But the pain, the dark place,  the grind of those last 6 miles that the marathon uniquely gives...those are mine, I want them, for me, for closure. 
This training cycle has been the most rewarding of any in 5 years.  I am proud of completing my entire racing schedule.  I am proud of the behind the scenes work no one sees...3/4/5 am alarms every single day, more sweat then I knew was in me, commitment to strength work, commitment to rest & recovery, mileage that I never reached before, finishing workouts that I was bombing because I COULD, celebrating long runs that I did at paces I never thought I COULD, balancing it all through a very trying year of my life. 
I am currently finishing it out with a little altitude camp with Adam & Kara.  It leaves nothing on the table.  It's knowing I did EVERYTHING I could.  It's being around the support and loyalty that has never left my side in 5 years, through thick & thin. 
This isn't my last post, but it's the 2nd to last block on the sidewalk. 

On October 13^th I will leave my heart and soul out there, and know that whatever happens,  I took that sidewalk farther then I ever could have imagined.  But, it doesn't go on forever, and Justin and I have a lot on our plates upcoming that I need to be all in for.  So why write this now?  I think my biggest regret is not letting people in through it all for help, for support, for hugs.  I've been called stubborn a time or two 👀, and I tend to think I can do it all on my own.  But, well...maybe putting this out there now, will selfishly put a lot of positive vibes I can pull from in those last 6 miles.  I need the help.  💓

So until that sidewalk ends...here's to running to it with everything I got.

This is the 25th mile of the Chicago Marathon in 2016.  That is Mrs. Cyr's hand that I touched.  Sadly, I won't have her there this year.  But, I do know she will be watching above.  And if she still reads this...I need you Mrs. Cyr.  💗

Mailbox Walks

Mailboxes in Arizona seem to be in central spot which you have to walk to (like a 1/4 mile away)... which makes no sense because it's often triple digits👀, but whatever, you roll with it.
After we got home from the hospital, when the time was right, I asked Justin if he wanted to try and walk to the mailbox.  Get some fresh air, & move.  I figured we had to start somewhere.
I will never forget that first walk.  He had a death grip on my arm; I think I still have the fingerprints embedded in my skin.  We moved so slow, it was humbling.  We saw our neighbor and the corresponding wide open mouth stare that burned right through me.  I remember we made it about half way and he said 'enough'....I couldn't believe it.  We hadn't even made it 1/4 mile?  😕  I told him to stay right there and  I ran to the mailbox, got the mail, ran back to him and said "OK, our goal is to beat this spot next time".  We got back and he slept for what seemed like days.
These mailbox walks became our 'thing' through the healing process.  Over time, he crushed the benchmarks, to the point where now we get nasty-grams from the mail person because we don't get the mail for days 👮
I was actually getting one of these the other day, when I went to get the stuffed mailbox on my own 🤣, and it made me think about the "mailbox walk" in regards to running.
In every training cycle I have ever done, what you do in week one, seems like child's play compared to week twenty-one.   But in the beginning,  everything seems impossible;  the paces, the miles, the end goal.  However, as weeks pass the impossible, become possible.    Just like the mailbox.
The problem is, I/we never take the time to celebrate the mailbox walks.  We just want to be 100%, or faster, or farther, or easier - instead of appreciating how far we have come. 
Over the 4th of July weekend, after a particularly long and sweaty run, I had a huge craving for a burger 🤷  So we went out and had a huge wake-up call when a car blew a red light as we were crossing the street.  The human brain is amazing.  I saw it happen, before it happened, and we averted disaster.  But, the mental damage was done.  Justin was irate.  I have to admit, I was shaken too, but it immediately made me realize that was a wake-up call for us - as he was visibly shaking I said, that was to show us how FAR we have come.  Look at you Justin Davis.  You are walking right now.  We need to celebrate our mailbox walks more...or, even at all🙁
I need to eat my own words too.
After Grandma's 1/2 Marathon in MN,  I never really wrote a race recap, I figured I said what I needed to on the proverbial post race Instagram 👍:  Got my 2 goals, still felt a tad unsatisfied, not sure why.  I should have.  Writing helps me process my head. I think I would have realized that I, we, us have overcome a lot in the past few years and that was the fastest half I had done since '14.  In a lot of ways being at that line was enough.  I walked/ran past a lot of mailboxes.
I do think I am more grateful than I have ever been, but there is a difference between grateful (for both of us to be alive and kicking, to be running, to be racing, to be HEALTHY) and appreciating the mailboxes.  Appreciating the mailboxes is ....saying damn look how far we have come.  It's looking in the rear view mirror and saying WOW.   My natural instinct is to always want more, not be satisfied, find the opportunity.  I'll never lose that, but perhaps this cycle, appreciating the mailbox walks will take me farther then an endless hunger for more.
Next up?
Chicago RNR July 21.  Which is already next Sunday!  It has a special place in my heart, it's home.  And no matter where I am in life, Chicago is always home.  Always.  And I have a goal in mind, but I also am trusting the training, trusting the process, and just kind of smiling looking back at the mailbox I passed to get there.
💓

I'll look behind me and smile because that's life and I lived it.

Seeds

As life has resumed over the past few months, so has work travel, getting back to our circle of friends/family, and running into peeps.  The initial moment of connect comes with awkwardness, where it's written on their forehead wanting to ask about Justin, but not sure how to ask, not wanting to hurt me by asking?  Not wanting to be intrusive?  So there is this pause.   I usually step in and try to put them at ease, but it makes me think, when do we lose the 'just say it how it is' mentality?  Being around my sister's kids  - - they just say it😂....you eat a lot, you're not very good at xyz, I don't like this...but at some age we become aware and stage every question/thought; worrying what others will think, or not wanting to hurt them.   I use to think losing this 'say it as it is' mentality was a negative thing, but now I think it's the beauty of the human condition...wanting to protect others.

Telling it like it is...always 💗

Traveling has also made me realize people actually read this blog😲, or at least for Justin updates (the guy is so loved, it's incredible).  He is doing well, working his tail off, has appointments every day whether it be physical therapy, doctors, therapists, etc.  Full recovery?  I'd like to think so, I guess it depends on how you define that.  He's not signing up for Wimbledon anytime soon.  He lost his job, a lot of his hearing, and is still in a significant amount of pain (*mostly neck and back).  We're working through a lot of what was masked by all the drugs and inflammation and now rearing their ugly heads.  So time will tell.

Speaking of "working through" I started talking to a sports psychologist, which never in a million years did I think I would ever do.  Prior to all this, I wasn't an all star at "talking",   but when I really needed to, my go to was Justin.  After 4 months of 'managing' it on my own, I realized on a run one day when a buddy was asking about everything and I wasn't crying, but rather having trouble breathing, that I had issues😳. Enter Barb.  My coach has always been adamant that you cannot compartmentalize things, so I am not trying to do that, instead Barb has helped me get rid of stuff ($%*!?) stuck in there so I can think/perform better where I am at.  Had I known what a difference this makes I would have done it long ago.  Being honest with myself, I have invested a lot into chasing a dream, and I need to be able to get rid of one pain to feel the other (that pain... I love).  

I have kept work out of this blog because, well it's more about the journey behind my running dream.  But, I just got back from a very cool week at work that began at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs and ended at the Effie Awards in Florida.    What the hell is an "Effie" you ask 🤣?  It's a marketing award.   To simplify, I work for the company that makes Tide, Crest, Bounty, and Pampers...and my job is essentially to bring those brands to life in store.  Our team won an "Effie" for a Winter Olympics Campaign we worked on...you're still probably like...so?  It's a big deal if you're in marketing/advertising.  It's a thing.  Anyways, typical CB style last minute, I started thinking eh, should I go?  I'm tired of travel, middle of a 75 mile week, Justin can't go...I miss him...So I called my mom🙋  My sister and I have a running joke, if you DON'T want to do something➯ call mom.  She can pretty much validate any reason to not do things.  It's classic.  So I called, assuming she'd back me right up, and I would switch my flight.  Or not.  So there I was sitting at the dinner thinking I am so glad I am HERE...because this is not about me, this is about the team, and planting seeds.  And seeing them grow.  You plant a lot of seeds.  Some you just chuck out there and you don't really invest in, and they grow anyway, but honestly, they don't mean that much to you.  BUT,  some you plant, and YOU really invest in, and so when they grow, well that's what life is about. It means so much.  I planted a seed with Justin for 7 years as my best friend, honestly as a friend, because he meant so much to me.  Well that seed grew pretty well 💗  I planted a seed with this team, and invested over the top energy to build it, and that night I reflected on how big it grew. Being there for that was cool.  I planted a seed and have invested a good portion of my adult life against my coach/dream.  And I am still watering, weeding, and waiting on this one.  Which brings me to the running update portion.
Running has been way more than running this time around.  I can't even begin to explain that.  I've said this before, but running is kind of like a person.  And it's been my best friend through all this.  Anyways, I knocked off the cobwebs at Bloomsday on May 5.  Recall, this was with 'no expectations' per the boss' request 😉  Looking at the hills and the fact that I had mostly just done base mileage, I was just grateful to kick off the season...to be THERE.   But, of course in my head I had a baseline thinking of top 25 in a really competitive field would be cool, and 6:45's net with the hills, seemed right.  I netted out 4th, 6:24 pace.  It was just an hour where there were no other thoughts in my head.  When I turned the corner to the finish, I legit was bummed.  I didn't want it to end.  

So, a good start.  I think everybody who reads this knows I always run for someone on my shoes.  Jane Cyr has been my focus for the past few years.  She is my "J" up above, who I still think of a lot.  But this season is going to my 2 J's down here - Justin & Jodi.  Justin fighting his comeback, Jodi fighting cancer.  

Jodi & Justin shoes 💗💗

Since returning it's mostly been focused on getting strong at the mileage level I'm at, adding in a workout a week, and getting the pace of the long run dialed in.  Still doing strength 2x a week and PT 1-2x week.  Next up, is Grandma's Half Marathon in Minnesota on 6/22.  I ran that last year, and loved it, and i have very specific goals based on what I did last year that would probably bore you to death so I'll save you the words.

Ultimately, where is this going.  I planted a seed 6 years ago now.  I have watered it, seen it grow, seen it get stomped on, seen it rebuild.  And now I am sitting back a bit and letting life happen.  It doesn't mean you don't work....it means the soil is in place, it's deep enough.  So as long as I keep doing what I am doing...what happens to the seed, happens.  I hope, come this Fall, that I can have a moment like at dinner that night, and be proud.  But no matter what it will be with everything I have left, because this season is for Justin & Jodi. 💗💗

You always give it 100% the last 100 yds...this time it's 100% the whole season.  

Sideways

First off, a Justin update.  We have moved from very bad days or bad days TO bad days or good days!  Yes! There are definitely good days...I know because once he starts making fun of me, it feels just like normal💗  He is working his  tail off in physical therapy, doctors appts, or some type of therapy/rehab almost every day...which keeps him busy and I think hopeful.  No more surgeries for the foreseeable future, and that we are grateful for.  I'm trying to be the very best 'me' I can be for him...and it's different every day:  cheerleader, nutritionist 😜, comedic relief, doctor, physical therapist, tough love, captain, or shoulder to cry on....I am learning to read what he needs, and do my best to be just that.  I have no idea if it's helping, or if what I am doing is right.  And I admit that worries me.

This past week at strength I was doing side lunges, and in my head I was thinking, man this is pointless, I don't move sideways, I move forward.  So...I asked.  What is this working? (*my passive aggressive way of saying, why the hell am I doing this 👀)  The answer was perfect.  In so many ways.  'You need to work those side muscles to make the forward muscles go faster'.....

Hmmm....that got me thinking on the way home.  

That's where we are right now.  Sideways.  And that's okay.

We're not humming along on forward moving progress.  We have a few good days and then get a setback, bad news, or results.  But, then we lick our wounds, and we trudge forward.  And I notice it's in the sideways moments that we see our next spring forward.  So, how is Justin?  How are things?  How are we?  Sideways. 👍

As for me, I am much better!  No tears left in the ducts to shed!  I am grateful for the support I had.  I called them my "core 5"...I rotated through them as to not burden any "one" too much.    But, from the ICU to the aftermath they have been there every step of the way; my bridesmaid (Kerry), my first AZ friend and rock out here (Lauren), one of our groomsmen (Dan), a running buddy I have never even met in person(Briana), and my coach(Adam).  Life is messy, ugly, frustrating, rewarding, hopeful, and beautiful all at the same time.  And... I experienced all of that in the past 3 months.  This random patch of 5 people being the beauty....they were my angels. 

If I got a dollar for every time they told me how strong I am ...Justin and I would be billionaires on a beach. 🌴🌴   And I hated it...because I felt weak, tired, angry, clueless, and beat up.  But it's only now that I see it,  I am really frikkin strong.  My life to date, every thing that I have fought through, set me up to be able to help Justin through this.  I know setback, I know comebacks, I know how to fight.  And so the beauty is my life so far, is my strength.  And I get to flex it now. 

Secondly, on the running front.  I have not given up believe it or not. 🙂 Many times through the 5 years Adam has coached me I have thought why/how are we connected?   But, as part of my "core 5",  I know for certain now why.  He was so much more than a coach to me through this.  That's not his job, not his role...yet he played it.   Our conversations now though, have morphed back to mileage, paces, shoes, and....plans.  And.I.love.it.  We've been conservative (well he has) in building back up and I have a decent base going, just no fitness.  But, you need to kick off the rust at some point, and nothing lights me up more than racing.  The Bloomsday 12k in Spokane, WA has been on my bucket list for awhile, and so I asked if I could run that May 5. After an unsuccessful sale, I asked for the 2nd opinion of my assistant coach, aka, Kara (Adam's wife)...and BOOM!  she had my back.  This tactic has a 50/50 success rate, lucky this time it worked 😉  So we agreed, as long as I have NO expectations I can race it.  And so The Bloomsday 12K in Spokane on May 5 is our rally cry.  I want Justin to go, and be mobile, like old times, and I need to get my rear in gear.  It's a win/win, and something for US to look forward to.  It's a month from today, and I CANNOT wait, it kicks of this season for me, it gives me and Justin a chance to be US again, and it's an iconic race I've always wanted to run!  (*and to boot you wouldn't believe how all the stars have aligned on this one...we're not paying a dime for anything due to another Angel in my life).

So for now, sideways moving progress.

xoxo,

CB

"us"

Sometimes when you don't know where to start, the best thing to do is just start.

As I sit Saturday morning at Starbucks in a rare moment of peace, my mind as clear as it has been in months after running and eating, I thought the time is right for an update, selfishly, for me.  When I started this blog it was to chronicle the chase behind my dream, a requirement for sponsors.   When I write now, it's my release, a requirement for me.  Especially now.  I can't talk.  But, I can write. And it has nothing to do with the chase.  Nothing to do with my dream.  Nothing to do with running at all.  

There are struggles in life.  We all go through them.  Illness, Injuries, Death...In fact I have had those all in the past 24 months 😔  The thing about struggles though is, at least for me, you can fight through them.  The definition of struggle, a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack, says it all....your role in struggle is to a) fight b) accept or c) be resilient.  I am a fighter. I fight. 

Then there are moments in life that literally take your breath away.  These aren't struggles.  These are moments that flat out knock you on your ass.  There is no chance to fight, to accept, or to be resilient.  They don't last as long as the struggle that may follow.  But the impact is... well...breath taking.  

Over a month ago now Justin was crossing the street in a large intersection at lunch, doing what Justin does...walking everywhere.  He had the walk signal.  He was hit.  And then run over.

When I arrived at the ICU the Trauma Surgeon told me Justin should not be alive.  That moment took my breath away.  I felt my heart stop.  I heard the blood drip in my head.  I felt my knees buckle.  

There are a few things I want to write, and I will, but I know for right now everyone just wants an update.

I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone without the question being, How is Justin?  This is easy for me.  I stick to the science and data: this is broken, this is sprained, this is torn, this had surgery, this needs surgery.   However, I am limited in what I can say (in writing) at this point.  For obvious reasons. But, also because there was an unbelievable amount of edema and just now are we starting to get clarity on some things, and others we still have to wait for the swelling to go down.    

Then for those close to me, the next question is, How are you?  This is easy for me too.  Especially, as I think people see the wear in my eyes or voice and don't press.  So simple answers work.  Dandy. One step at a time.  Pretty Good actually.  We got this.  Change the subject.  

But one question no one asks.  And Thank God.  Is about "us".  When I started this blog my promise was to be authentic.  In writing I can be honest.  Maybe not thorough 😉, but honest.  So, I will tell you it's  hard right now.  After Justin is set up at night with tons of pillows and padding and pills so he can sleep, I think through everything for the morning, get everything ready, and then go upstairs to sleep.  Not intentionally, but as soon as I close my eyes, the tears just roll down my cheeks.  I never thought in a million years I would say this, but I'm lonely.  I talk to people all day long for work, for training/PT, for this whole situation, etc...but those relationships aren't 'us'.  I miss 'us' and everything that went with it.  

I believe there are better times ahead.  And when the dust settles, I hope Justin knows he's the only person, the only thing, that could take my breath away.

There's a lot of awesome to this story too...and I want to write about that, some unbelievable stories.  There's also a lot of gratefulness too....and I want to write about that as well.  But, when you don't know where to start, sometimes the best thing to do, is just start.

I don't really have any pictures to add to this post...and if I don't put one it will put some ridiculous logo...so when I pulled up my phone and flipped through I found this.  This was seconds after he proposed to me at the NYC marathon.  The theme of our wedding was the race of our life...we're in that part of the race called the pain cave now...that rough patch where you have to dig deep, where you question why you are doing this, where you are about to break...but in those same miles....you're made, you grow, and you're changed forever.  And we're not bailing for the med tent now. 💗